Paul Marks, Sarah Wildgust, Zoë Pettle, and Olive Hawks-Ball are in a 10 metre square room gathered around a large plastic crate that has obviously just arrived and been opened. The walls are plastic and obviously moulded in one piece. Various everyday objects are being placed on shelves around the room by a small, black cube shaped robot, Dice.
Zoë Pettle.
(Reaching into the crate with one hand, holding a clipboard with the other.) Right, That’s the basics out of the way, what else have we got. Videos. "All nude hang gliding." I’d say that one's yours. Hands it to Paul Marks and ticks item off on clipboard.
Paul
Great, I’ve been waiting for this, man. (Reads from packaging.) "A thrill a minute ride as contestants battle against time and the elements to retain some dignity in this new Olympic sport. All the crashes, all the smashes, all the assess, in full close-up!" Yes! (Grins widely.)
Zoë
Next, we have "The semi-colon in eighteenth century literature" That'll be yours Sarah. Hands it to Sarah Wildgust. (Ticks clipboard.)
Sarah
Excellent. A little light viewing for Sunday morning. You know, people take punctuation far too lightly. People have died so we can use the question mark. It was banned by some religions as being too suggestive.
Zoë
Is that true?
Sarah
(Giving Zoë a withering look) If I said it, it must be.
Zoë
And another video, an Eighteen Certificate, "I'm better than you." Saying nothing she hands the video to Olive Hawks-Ball (Ticks clipboard and writes note.)
Olive
(Smiling broadley.) Thank you dear. And can I just say how efficiently you distribute these items. Always timely, with the greatest respect, without judging or bringing into question the foibles and mannerisms of others.
Zoë.
Thank you Olive, it’s nice to be appreciated. And finally, one for me. (She quickly puts the video into her bag.)
Paul.
What did you get Zo?
Zoë.
Oh, just a film, you wouldn't like it. Anyway, let's see what we have in the specials section.
Sarah.
What have we actually ordered?
Zoë
Well, remember how we were getting a bit fed up of peas with every meal, so we ordered some baked beans, and they sent more peas? Well this time I've ordered peas, so there should be some beans in here (rummages in crate, lifts out package and checks it against her list.)...No, cartoon character novelty condoms. Well they'll certainly come in handy.
Paul
You don't put them on your hand Zo, not unless...
Sarah
You're not funny Paul.
Paul slumps his shoulders.
Zoë
(putting cross on clipboard.) That’s one down. And I sent for some toilet cleaner, a dozen light bulbs and some air fresheners. (Looks at Paul.)
Olive
And what delights did our elders and betters deign to send we mere mortals this time?
Paul
She means what did we get, I think.
Zoë
One hundred pairs of lurid purple socks...a small photocopier...and...one propelling pencil. (Holding up last item.) That’s not even close.
Olive
It appears to be only the specials that have gone awry. We always get the basics, after all none of us are starving or lacking essentials.
Paul
Yes, but it depends on what you mean by essential. We’re a long way from home, and I feel some comforts are essential. For instance, where would we be without my odour-eaters and that neutralising spray for the toilet?
Olive
In a different building to you, I suspect.
Zoë
We really are going to have to do something about it. I mean, how can anyone organise anything properly when we can’t even get what we need? I mean, look at this. (Holds out clipboard.) The cover’s loose, the clip is barely springy enough and there’s nowhere to put the pen!
Sarah
You think that’s bad. I’ve read my entire collection of encyclopaedias four of five times already, and we’ve only been here two months. If I don’t get some new books soon I’ll have to re-read the books I wrote myself.
Olive
You youngsters. You should think of this as a challenge. I remember when I was first posted to the diplomatic mission on mars. We didn’t even have toilets, and I can tell you mars rock is pretty cold.
Paul
(Jumping in before Olive can take a breath) Do you think it’s deliberate, or just a random mix up? Or do you think there’s some bloke sat in a store room somewhere, some old git who’s been forgotten by the management and is taking out his frustration on us?
Zoë
There aren’t many humans working nowadays, except the essential middle management positions of course. So I don’t think it’s deliberate, I think it’s all done by computer.
Paul
Well there you go then, computers can screw things up big time without the need for human intervention.
Sarah
You know, I’ve been thinking, if this is all done by a computer, then it must have a program running on it. If we could somehow write our own program, to cross reference all the things ordered and all things actually received, I’m sure we could get what we wanted every time.
Paul
I’ll get to it as soon as I have a spare moment.
Sarah
You will? I thought it had fallen in my court. It was my idea.
Paul
What do you know about programming? I thought you were into alien sex and all that?
Sarah
It’s not just about sex.
Zoë
(stepping in) Now, Paul, you could write the actual code, and between you, you could correlate the data, come up with some ideas each, o.k? I tell you, it would be luxury to have a proper pencil sharpener.
SCENE 2: INT. DAY THE KITCHEN.
Paul, Zoë and Sarah are stood around the gleaming chrome kitchen. It is a long room with a table and chairs at one end, in front of a wide window through which can be seen an alien landscape. These three are looking in cupboards or brandishing knives. Olive is sat at the large kitchen table reading a book entitled "Robert Stout's guide to interpreting handshakes." A radio plays typical 70’s music in the background over a slight static hiss.
Zoë.
So, our first co-habitant arrives later today, and I thought we could cook him a welcome meal. Sarah has looked up the relevant info, recipes and such, so all we need to do is get the ingredients out of the freezer and whip up a feast. I'll shout them off the list and you get them out Paul.
Paul.
(His head appears from inside a large freezer) Not likely, it’s bloody freezing in here. Oh, I see what you mean. Ok, let it rip.
Zoë and Sarah are studying a full colour guide to native cuisine of the planet "Bluinfrn".
Zoë.
(Leafing through a large pad of paper.) According to the inventory, there's a pack on shelf ‘six red’ marked "regular lomlom" bring that out.
Paul disappears then emerges with a cubic pack of long grey objects.
Paul.
Here we are, regular lomlom. They look just like a load of donkey’s plonkers. I wonder what an irregular lomlom looks like?
Zoë takes the pack and sets it on the worktop. The pack is soon opened and the grey objects laid out on a chopping board.
Paul
You know, I’ve heard that these Bluinfrns have their genitals on the inside, like our own lizards. So you can’t tell by looking whether you’ve got a bloke or a woman. It says in the log that they are sending a male, but how will we know we’ve got the right one?
Zoë
We’ll hardly fail to notice a two metre blue reptile Paul. It’s not as if someone can impersonate one is it? Be in the landing bay at six, I’ll be wearing a pink carnation so you’ll recognise me.
Sarah
Besides, you’re just illustrating the whole point of this project, finding out the truth about each other and not just believing myth and gossip. If you must know, the females are four times bigger than the males, and so aren’t suitable for this particular project.
Paul
You mean the poor bloke has to hump a thing eight metres tall? Poor bugger. I’ve seen some rough trade in my time, but fancy waking up next to a twenty four foot lizard. It’s enough to turn anyone to celibacy and sobriety!
Olive (From behind book.)
Heaven forbid.
Zoë
Yes, but imagine being able to hump a female four times your size.
Paul
Umm, I never thought of that, he must be hung like a coach load of porn stars.
Sarah
You see, now you’re doing it Zoë. For your information their sexual organs stay on the inside. To facilitate fertilisation, the male and female simple place their genital openings together. (Gestures two rings coming together)
Paul
Oh, I thought they were like us, and that his wanger came popping out like some emergency life raft. (Mimes something inflating)
Zoë
Can we get back to the cooking now please? I think we’ve had enough of that particular subject.
Sarah.
(Reading from the book.) Take a few lomlom for each person and cut lengthways into finger thick pieces.
Paul
Is that our fingers or theirs? We don’t want to get it wrong on the first day. What if they’ve got huge fingers like pork sausages, or tiny thin ones like pencils? Or maybe he has hands like Swiss army knives, each finger does a different job.(Holds his own fingers at various angles.) This one is for de-scaling fish, this one for picking his nose, this one for removing boy scouts from horses hooves...
Zoë
I don’t really think that matters, as long as they are even and cook properly, and look good on the plate.
Sarah
It’s a translation isn’t it, so whomever translated it converted the units of measurement too. It’s obvious, if you’ve got an ounce of sense.
Paul picks up a long knife and chops down on the board. By now the lomlom has defrosted somewhat and rolls out of the way. He picks it up and tries again. This time it squirms and wriggles away along the counter. The kitchen goes quiet as the lomlom crawls the length of the worktop and disappears behind some utensils.
Paul
I thought they were vegetables?
Zoë
Me too. How did it stay alive in the freezer all this time?
Sarah
Long term hibernation, possibly some kind of chemically induced sleep rather than the traditional temperature enforced torpor of cold blooded creatures. It would be interesting to study a few of them. It could just be a chemical reaction of course, no intelligence needed for that. Look at male sperm for a good example of that. Of course animals such as our tortoises aren’t actually asleep, you know, their bodies slow down due to the cold...
Paul
(cutting her off in mid flow.) Shouldn't we catch it before it grows to two metres long over-night and starts ambushing us in the air vents and laying eggs in the showers? Can I be the one? You know, the one that always survives to be rescued. And as the ship lifts off there’d be a close-up of my face through a window, all dirty and bruised, but with a slight smile just creasing my lips.
Sarah
You watch far too much television, you should try reading a book for once. And a real one with paper pages, not one of these E book things with moving pictures and sound effects. These walls conduct sound very well you know.
Paul and Zoë both fidget nervously.
Zoë
Come on, it’s only a vegetable, I think we can handle one vegetable. With a little team work, all pulling together, and some organisation, it’s as good as ours.
Zoë walks over to the utensils rack and gingerly lifts a few out of the way. The lomlom makes a dash for the door, catching Zoë by surprise. Paul, Zoë and Sarah run after it. Olive doesn't even stop reading.
SCENE 3: INT. DAY VARIOUS CORRIDORS AND ROOMS
Paul Sarah and Zoë stalk the escaped vegetable down plastic-walled corridors with various hi-tech flashing lights at regular intervals. They finally corner it in the shower room, another pre-fabricated unit with two shower cubicles and a few lockers. Paul grabs a back scrubber to use as a weapon. The lomlom feints left, then dashes between their legs. Paul slams his foot down on the lomlom, trapping it. Triumphantly he holds up the vegetable, which is now limp and dripping a yellow liquid.
Zoë
Well, we can't feed him that one can we. Never mind, there are plenty left.
SCENE 4: INT. DAY THE KITCHEN
Paul, Zoë and Sarah enter to find Olive still sitting in her chair reading, and the chair being carried across the kitchen by several dozen lomlom.
Paul
Shall we let them take her?
Zoë
Better not, they'll make a right mess.
Sarah
It would be interesting to see if it’s the chair they are attracted to, or the human flesh.
Zoë
(closing the kitchen door.) I don’t think that matters right now. What we need to do is round them all up before any of them escape. Paul, you go left, Sarah right. We'll cut them out one at a time, then two of us can hold them whilst the other chops.
The three approach the chair on tip-toe.
Paul
(quietly) Come by, come by! Hold them, hold them, Good lad.
SCENE 5: INT. LATER ON THE SAME DAY THE KITCHEN
A large pan is turning slowly in the microwave.
Paul is slumped in a chair, exhausted. His feet are resting on the black cube of the house robot.
Paul
Well, I don’t think people would be so keen on eating vegetables if they had to kill their own.
Zoë
Are we sure everything is ready? Paul, have you checked his room, made sure its all neat and clean? Sarah, cameras ready? Olive, speech written?
Paul, Sarah, and Olive
Yes!
Sarah
Zoë, relax. We’ve checked everything and checked it again. Besides, we’re all in this together. If something goes wrong when he arrives, he’ll just have to pitch in and help.
Zoë
(Looks at Paul) What about Dice?
Paul
(Defensively) There’s nothing wrong with Dice.
Zoë
So this morning’s little incident didn’t happen?
Paul
That was this morning, I‘ve fixed him since. Besides, there was no harm done.
Zoë
No harm! It made a hole in the quiet room wall the size of Olive’s ego! And for what, what particular alien threat did it perceive? A herd of marauding crocowolves? A giant bear-bird trying to break in through the ceiling? No, it was a butterbee, a creature with the size and killer instinct of your wit.
Paul
It’s not my fault, the assembly instructions have been photocopied so many times I can’t make out what it says. It shows the threat module, but I can’t see which way it goes, it physically fits on three or four different ways you see. I don’t know if I had it on upside down or what. And then I dropped it. It didn’t break. I’m fairly certain I got it right this time. Call it an educated guess.
Zoë
You guessed? We are about to play host to an intergalactic visitor and you guessed! (Sighs, throws her hands in the air and counts to ten.) It’s working properly now though?
Paul
Well, I’m not sure.
Zoë
I’m sorry? Not sure, when will you be sure?
Paul
Well, when he’s been tested, I suppose.
Zoë
So what do you suggest we do? There are hardly any intelligent life forms we can try it out on are there? Whoops we’ve blow that one to bits, can you send us another one please.
Paul
Relax, he’ll be fine, honest. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.
SCENE 6: INT. DAY LANDING BAY
The landing bay is a large metallic cube about fifty metres to a side. There are large doors in the north wall and a large hatch in the ceiling letting in a greenish light. Paul, Zoë and Sarah are standing in a line dressed in formal wear. They all show signs of nervousness. A few paces ahead Olive is pacing back and forth mumbling her welcome speech. She is dressed in a grey designer suit and silk scarf, with black shoes so shiny they sparkle.
Zoë
I hope that robot is under control, we can’t risk losing our first alien. It would see the end of all our careers.
Paul
Relax, I’ve shut him in the workshop, out of harms way.
Zoë
Good, so it’s locked safely away.
Paul
Well, not locked away, because there’s no lock on the workshop door. But he’s only a robot, he can’t open the door, no hands.
Zoë
Let’s hope you’re right, for once.
Sarah
You could have asked my advice you know, languages are my speciality, well, one of them.
Paul
Look, it’s the manual, it’s all dark and difficult to make out. I think they photocopied it and then faxed the sheets into the next office then sent them out here. It’s not as if the thing’s written in a foreign language, it’s perfectly good Far Eastern English. If it was at all legible, and not just a series of black blobs, a child of ten could understand it
Sarah
You should have no trouble then, that is about your mental age.
Zoë
(groans) Imagine the headlines. ‘Human race wiped out over war caused by cheap fax paper.’
Olive approaches, offering her hand to the alien. "Welcome, Pantsagral Humour to our modest home, here on the planet Maxine. My name is Olive Hawks-ball, diplomatic relations. We sincerely hope your stay here will be a pleasant one and we look forward to a long and rewarding relationship with you as a representative of your people. If there is anything I can do..."
Pantsagral Ummmma.
Thanks boy. (He gives Olive a star shaped coin.) There's another one of those in it for you if you get my luggage all in one go. And it's Pan...tsg...rl Ummmm...ahhhh. Now where's the action?
Olive
(forcing a smile) If I may, I’d like to introduce you to your other co-habitants. This is Miss Zoë Pettle, the station manager.
Zoë
Nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to working with you. I have lots of interesting questions to ask you, as I’m sure you have of us. If you need anything or have a problem please let me know and I’ll do my best to help.
Pantsagral
Yeah the same to you. What are they, you ill or something? (prods Zoë’s left breast)
Zoë (Calmly)
No, that’s a breast. Adult human females have those, usually in twos. We use them for feeding our young.
Pantsagral
You’re female? I heard you was small, but I thought that was just Bof. So how do you mate, your gash must be... (Holds hands out to indicate size)
Olive
(Moving the alien quickly along) And this is Miss Sarah Wildgust. She’s our exobiologist, among other things.
Sarah
Hello, it’s a pleasure and may I say, (Complex alien phrase)
Pantsagral
Well thank you. I may take you up on that offer. Hope you brought plenty of lubricant. (Alien equivalent of grin)
Olive
And finally, Mr Paul Marks. Technician and computer whizz.
Paul
How’s it hanging? Oh, sorry, it doesn’t does it. It’s sort of (Makes a gesture of something being shoved into a hole)
There is a moment of silence, then the alien bursts out laughing.
Pantsagral
I think I’m going to like this one.
Olive.
Now, I know you’ve come a long way, quite literally, and would like to get your bearings, and perhaps freshen up before we bombard you with questions. I’m certain we’ll have a very lively discussion around the table tonight. We've prepared a modest supper for you, nothing too fancy but I know you'll like it. And then we can have a chat, get to know each other a little better and get this show on the road properly. Intergalactic peace and good will and all that. Paul here will show you to your room, and around the complex, make sure you know where all the fire exits are etc, etc. Paul, over to you.
SCENE 7 INT. DAY CORRIDORS OUTSIDE THE PRIVATE QUARTERS.
Paul
This Way Pantsagral, or can I call you Pants? It’s not much but it’s got everything for your basic needs.
Pantsagral
Is that human always so stiff? I thought he was going to break something.
Paul
That’s just Olive, She’s a bit uptight sometimes. Takes her job too seriously.
Pantsagral
That’s female? She’s nothing like the other two.
Paul
No, she’s old, in her forties, which is old for a human.
Pantsagral
Forty? Bof! I’d be dead already if I was forty.
Paul
Well how old are you then?
Pantsagral
In our years, I’ll be ten next hatching day.
Paul
Ten? I was still at school when I was ten. I think your years must be longer than ours. Right, this is your room Pants.
Opens a door and shows Pantsagral a box room with a fold up bed and some alien devices attached to the puce walls. In one corner is a box of grey sand.
Paul
You’ve got your ultraviolet light, your sandpit thing, your bed, and so on. There is also some kind of atmosphere adjuster for when you are here alone. I think we breath similar gases, but in different proportions, so Sarah says anyway, and she seems to know.
Pantsagral
Not exactly spacious. But I suppose we aren’t here for that. Which one’s yours?
Paul
Mine’s across the way. (Walks over and opens the door opposite)
This room is similar in dimension but almost hidden by posters, crisp packets, photos, pin-ups and other reminds-me-of-home type stuff.
Pantsagral
Bof! Porn! How did you get that through, they searched me top to bottom. (Points to poster on wall of Godzilla looking down on a crowd of men)
Paul
Oh, no that’s just a film poster, nothing sexual about that.
Pantsagral
You sure, looks very sexy to me?
Paul
Yes Pants, it’s just a poster, a science fiction thing we have on Earth.
Pantsagral
(Shakes his head) You humans sure are going to take some getting used to.
SCENE 8: INT. DAY DINING ROOM
Paul, Zoë, Sarah, Olive and Pantsagral are gathered around the Table. The lomlom dinner is steaming on it.
Pantsagral
Ah, no burger and chips then. I was really looking forward to a nice earth meat burger with a hint of seasoning, and a few dozen golden chips, lightly seasoned with salt and rancid wine. It looks like I’ll just have to make do with these.
He stabs a piece of lomlom with his knife, wraps his long tongue around the food and pulls it into his mouth.
Zoë’s eyes widen and a slight smile crinkles her lips.
Pantsagral.
As lomlom goes, which isn't far enough in my opinion, that was pretty crappy. I don't know were you got your info from, but lomlom isn't that popular on bluinfrn.
Paul.
They probably got it cheap Pants, that's why there's so much of it.
Pantsagral.
Great! Well, we can always feed it to the next arrivals.
Paul laughs.
Paul
I’ll make you a nice fried breakfast in the morning, Pants, with all the trimmings, show you a real earth meal.
Pantsagral
So, tell me about the rest of our little grope. I know there are equal aliens to humans. So three more aliens to go.
Sarah
Actually no. I’m only here for tonight as an introduction, you won’t see much of me from today. But I’ll be watching you, and reporting back my observations. As will the other groups. (Stresses last word)
Pantsagral
Right, so two more. Tell me what you’ve heard.
Paul
(jumping in quickly) Our next arrival is from the planet ‘Whissississ’ or how ever you say it. Which I’m told just means Earth. Apparently she is of small build but with huge knockers.
Pantsagral
Knockers?
Paul
Yes, you know, boobs, jugs, whammers, melons.
Zoë
Breasts, Pantsagral, he means breasts.
Pantsagral
Oh, we don’t have those, and frankly I can’t see the attraction, lumps of flesh sticking out and getting in the way. However do you lie down with those things hanging in the way? I’d sure like to see you two running around naked, those things flopping and bouncing around, that would be funny.
Paul
Yes, me too. I don’t think I’d be laughing though
Zoë
(looking at Paul) Don’t even think about it.
Paul
Too late, much too late.
Pantsagral
Did I say something wrong? Is it taboo to speak of Knockers at the table.
Olive
No dear boy, not at all. After all we are here to learn. We don’t want any misunderstandings. Now, personally, I prefer them about as big as I can fit in my mouth, but I know . . . What?
Zoë gives her a look.
Olive
Lomlom, I mean, we are talking lomlom now, aren’t we?
Pantsagral
So, let’s get back to knockers and small aliens. Paul, you were saying?
Paul
Yes, small, sort of humanoid with these thre’pnies-I’ll explain later-and instead of hair they have feathers, a bit like our native birds. Apparently, if she doesn’t chew on something every hour she’ll die. So I can’t wait for her to get here.
Paul and Olive grin lasciviously. The other females share a look. Pantsagral looks blank.
Pause.
Pantsagral
What about the next one?
Paul
Now, he is a member of the first race of aliens to be discovered by us. Actually, they found us. A very old race, lots of technology as well and apparently very strong, very physical. But also very intelligent. The sort who can lift crates with one hand and play chess with the other.
Zoë sighs. Then quickly recovers.
Pantsagral
Plays with chests, you mean knockers?
Olive
No, no my friend. It’s a board game. More than a game, more an art form. A playing out of the field of battle in miniature. Move and counter-move, thrust and parry back and forth across the chequered landscape.
Looks up proudly with a far away look in her eye.
Sarah
I didn’t know you played Olive, we should get together sometime and have a tussle.
Olive
(Raises an eyebrow) Nothing would give me greater pleasure my dear.
Pantsagral
Do you think I could join in? It all sounds great. And if this new boy is so keen we could start a club.
Paul laughs.
Sarah
(Ignoring Paul) Yes, we could have a league, and the one at the top would take on all comers.
Paul guffaws. The rest turn towards him questioningly.
Paul
Sorry, I was thinking about tussling. It must mean something else where I come from.
Zoë
The gutter isn’t it? That’s where your mind always seems to be.
Pantsagral
Tell me something, this planet is called Maxine right, where does that come from?
Zoë
It was named by the captain of the deep space vessel that discovered it. Maxine was his wife’s sister’s name.
Pantsagral
I could have come up with something better, like ‘greenish mud ball in the middle of nowhere.’
Olive
Well that’s just the thing you see my friend. If the planet we were sent to was all panoramic vistas and exotic creatures in rainbow colours we’d spend too much time looking and not enough time really interacting and melding ourselves into a synergistic entity.
Sarah
Well said Olive.
Olive
Thank you my dear. Just trying to keep up the standards.
Pantsagral
You warmies have been here quite a while then?
Zoë
Warmies?
Pantsagral
Yes, that’s just a name we’ve given you, it’s not disrespectful in any way, just a bit of fun. I’m sure you’ve come up with just as many as we have.
Paul
We certainly have, a few dozen I think, but scale-dick is my favourite. (Hastily adds after a look from Olive.) But of course I know now that that’s not accurate, so I won’t be using that any more.
Sarah
To answer your question, yes, we’ve been here since October, that’s eight weeks and fours days, earth time, and sixty six local days.
Pantsagral
Whilst we are on the subject, if dick means what I think it means, Paul, what’s it like having your genitals on the outside, isn’t it sort of dangerous?
Paul
Well, it can be a bit risky, especially if you really upset a woman. But I think it’s more then made up for by oral sex. I’m prepared to take the risk for a little mouth organ practice.
Pantsagral
Sorry, I must be missing something.
Paul
You know, a bit of head nodding, kissing the helmet. . . You wouldn’t understand I suppose. You really don’t know what you’re missing.
Sarah
It’s highly over-rated in my opinion.
Zoë
Oh, I don’t know. (then adding quickly,) So, what time of the year is it on your planet Pantsagral?
Pantsagral takes a deep breath and lets out a huge sneeze.
Pantsagral.
Wow, I think I might be allergic to you people.
He sneezes again, louder. The skin over his entire face peels off and inflates slightly.
Pantsagral.
Oops, sorry people, I didn't realise I was due to moult. Must be the air or something.
He pulls the skin away from his head and examines it.
Pantsagral.
Hey, here's something you'll enjoy, especially you Paul.
He proceeds to remove his entire skin without removing any clothing, then triumphantly stands with it by his side, like a second Pantsagral. Paul claps loudly. The others smile but look a little nauseous. Pantsagral is now a vivid matt blue.
Sarah.
(trying not to look too closely) What will you do with the skin now?
Pantsagral.
Well, we believe it is part of ourselves, but a part that is no longer attached, like a separate us, that was, but now isn't of ourselves. I'll take it to my room and wrap it in sacred ololol leaves, then pack it away until I can return home.
Sarah.
That's fascinating. We humans don't shed our skin, well not all at once.
Pantsagral.
Well what does it do then?
Sarah.
It just flakes away, like dust. In fact most household dust is made of human skin.
Pantsagral.
Ughhhh! You mean the thin layer of grime over the surfaces in my room is bits of you people? That’s quite disgusting.
Zoë
(to Paul) You said you’d cleaned it.
Paul
I did, it’s spotless in there.
Pantsagral
Sorry, I was only gagging, I don’t want to get anyone into trouble.
There is a scrambling sound outside the door, then the handle slowly turns. Dice enters the room and heads straight for Pantsagral, who has his back to the robot.
Zoë
(Suddenly remembering) Pantsagral, Come and see our kitchen, it’s a marvel of human technology.
She grabs Pantsagral’s hand and before he can complain she pulls him to his feet and moves towards the kitchen door. She gives Paul an urgent look.
Paul stands and moves hesitantly towards Dice. Dice whirrs inside and a panel slides open on the top. Paul changes his mind and dives under the table. Dice trundles after the retreating form of Pantsagral. Sarah rushes around the table towards it. Olive is sitting stunned, obviously out of her depth with violent situations
.
SCENE 9 INT. DAY THE KITCHEN
Zoë
(Filling in awkwardly) Now, Pantsagral, this is a microwave oven, not actually an oven in actual fact, just a relic of ancient Earth language.
Pantsagral
That’s fascinating Zoë, but we do have those on Bluifrn. Can I get back to my food?
Off camera, the sound of voices and crashing furniture.
Zoë
The observatory! Yes, up the stairs to the observatory. Come on, it’s a lovely view up there. (Taking Pantsagral’s hand) It’s the only part of the complex above one storey you know.
SCENE 10 INT. DAY THE OBSERVATORY.
Zoë pulls Pantsagral out of the kitchen, along a corridor, up some stairs into a geodesic dome on top of the building. There is a grey mist surrounding the dome, making visibility almost zero.
Zoë
Oh, er, it’s only a bit of mist, I’m sure it will lift in a few minutes, it does that sometimes. One minute there, next minute puff! Gone.
Pantsagral
I don’t pretend to know what’s going on here, I don’t think I’ve been here long enough to judge you people, but something not right is happening. I’m just going to go back to my food, if that’s alright with you?
Zoë
(Points into the mist.) Look, what was that? Did you see it, a blue spotted humming tortoise. They’re quite rare you know. Especially the flying ones.
Pantsagral
(Squinting into the mist.) I didn’t see anything, but our eyes aren’t as good as you human’s, so they say. (makes a move towards the stairs.)
A strange sound reaches their ears from the bottom of the stairs. They both freeze.
A clumping noise begins, slow and rhythmic, and a sound like someone straining and breathing loudly.
Dice comes into view, walking up the steps with clown-like feet. As Dice gets higher, Paul is seen hanging from his back and desperately trying to reach for a red button under the top panel marked ‘override’. As
Dice reaches the top of the stairs, Sarah appears hanging on to Paul’s belt with one hand and Dice with the other. Finally, Olive appears, clasped around Sarah’s waist with her face pressed against her backside, a hint of a smile on her lips.
Zoë pushes Pantsagral behind her to shield him with her body.
Dice moves inexoribly forwards, the three humans being dragged with ease across the observatory floor.
Paul stretches his finger towards the button as Dice stops next to Zoë and extends an arm, flinging her out of the way.
Close-up of Paul’s finger reaching the button. He presses it. A little red light goes out, but Dice carries on.
An arm appears out of Dice and flips towards Pantsagral. A small fly swatter flicks out and taps him on the thigh. Dice then extrudes a jar and pushes it against Pantsagral, obviously trying to get the alien inside it.
Paul pushes the button again and the light comes back on.
Pantsagral
I don’t pretend to know what’s happening here, I think it’s some kind of human thing, Yes? Getting a machine to offer me a greeting. ‘Give me four’ kind of thing? Thanks anyway. I do appreciate it.
Zoë looks at Paul as if to say ‘see me later’.
Paul looks sheepish.
The humans all climb off and make an embarrassed withdrawal.
Dice seals the jar with a lid, prints out a label reading ‘SPECIMEN 207-Unidentified venom.’ Sticks it on the jar and trundles away.
SCENE 11: INT. NIGHT ZOË'S BEDROOM
Zoë goes into her room and begins to undress. The walls of her room are hidden under every kind of chart, all covered with coloured squares and lines. There is a clipboard on the back of the door, which she ticks as she locks the door. She moves over to the wardrobe and opens the door. The Pantsagral skin, taped together and inflated 'jumps' out at her. She screams, kicks it between the legs and leaps back. The skin springs a leak and 'farts' around the room.
SCENE 12: INT. NIGHT OUTSIDE ZOË'S BEDROOM
Paul and Pantsagral are rolling around laughing loudly and congratulating each other.
SCENE 13: INT. LATE AT NIGHT PANTSAGRAL’S ROOM
Pantsagral is talking into his elbow.
Pantsagral
Have arrived safely. The humans are friendly and don’t seem much of a threat. I will report again when HE arrives. Message terminated.
SCENE 14: INT./EXT. DUSK AN OPENING IN THE PLASTIC WALL.
During credits: View of escaped lomlom sneaking out of an open door/window onto the planet.
- Copyright Steve Dean