10) Alien Scare
The black monolith discovered on the moon, and thought to have been placed there by aliens, has been revealed as the prototype for the next Xbox, the Xbox x (small x, not a roman ten). According to a Microsoft spokesperson, they’ve been developing the system on the moon to avoid the bad publicity of previous versions. “We’re determined,” said the spokesperson, “that the Xbox x won’t overheat.”
The console is due for release in the autumn, although sources inside Microsoft tell us it might not be ready by then. “They’ve only made one so far, but it doesn’t overheat, at least on the moon.”
9) Duty Calls
Call of Duty - The War to End All Wars IX was officially released at midnight. Downloads are reported to be slow but steady for this perennial FPS. A spokesperson for the studio responsible said, “We’ve done something different this time, really concentrated down the essence of war, you know? Like those tiny bottles of super-concentrated washing-up liquid. I like the blueberry and onion, really reminds me of my grandmother. Anyway, so, the action takes place over three maps, a desert, the arctic circle and an air field. There’s literally nowhere to hide, just a bunch of soldiers standing out in the open and blasting away at each other. It’s intense dude!”
8) More Dungeons
Seventeen years after AD&D version 8.6, version 9.1 was finally released today. The release date has been moved no less than 23 times, on each occasion the publishers claiming they needed more time to play-test the system. “This time,” according to a message on the official website, “we wanted to take the time to thoroughly test every aspect of every rule. We got really involved in this great campaign, and before we knew it twelve years had gone by. My sky-elf yellow mage is absolutely kick-ass!”
7) Home-Play Football Cancelled
The recently launched Home-Play Football system was cancelled last night after less than a single season. The system was always controversial, and those who spoke out against it are now claiming a told-you-so victory. The system used new technology to allow people at home to control the players via a new haptic head cap. Each person uses a simple controller to choose which action the player would do at a certain time, a computer working out which action was most popular among all the choices and relaying it to the player. There have been problems previously, which the developers claim were just minor teething problems associated with any new invention. But during last night’s game, in front of a packed crowd that included young children, something went terribly wrong. Star player Henrique Vostern was running down the pitch and stopped suddenly, then proceeded to beat himself up. The right side of his body attacked the left side, causing a bloody nose, and drawing screams from the crowd. The match was finally called off when Vostern managed to kick himself in the head. He was carried from the stadium unconscious and with broken bones, although he’s expected to make a full recovery.
6) Historical Society Demonstration Match
This sunday, the Sports History Preservation Society will be holding an open day at the recently restored Wembley Stadium. The event will demonstrate an ancient sport called football or soccer. The sport, played between two teams of eleven, was once very popular with thousands of people paying to watch their favourite team. Professor of Sport history and president of the society Terry Ball explains.
“This was quite a culturally important game at the time, with teams from all over the world competing at several levels. It was also big business, particularly later on, with players being bought for millions of pounds, which was a lot of money in those days. You could also buy merchandise to show your support for your team, usually in the form of replica kits, mugs and what were called keyrings, which were used to store keys, flat metal objects used to open doors before fingerprint locks. Before, during and after the games, the opposing crowds would indulge in ritualised name-calling which sometimes led to violence. It’s difficult to believe now that people went outdoors, met in large numbers without face masks or gloves, talked to strangers, and even partook in violence, but you have to remember it was a different age back then.
“Football, the often fatal rugby, and indeed most sports, finally went out of fashion due to many factors. The increasing pay packets and transfer fees of the players, the interference of big business, a huge match-fixing scandal, the improvements in technology that allowed esports to flourish, and the growing realisation there were more interesting things to do all contributed to their demise.”
5) British Government Crash
It has been revealed that last week, during a debate on the re-classification of duck eggs, meat and byproducts, the British Government froze, then crashed, and took over a minute to reboot. The problem hasn’t yet been found, but is thought to relate to a recent server migration issue. Thousands of players were disconnected and the forums soon began to fill with complaints, some of them quite hostile.
The British Government originally started as a game, but took over from the real politicians when it was realised game players were better at running a country than businessmen with little experience of the posts they held. Several of the ousted politicians bought a copy of the game, but none have yet placed on the leader border. The current prime minister 3P1C-N1NJ4 is currently a hundred points ahead of his nearest rival SkyKym0001, as they go into the latest round of talks.
The pound fell sharply against the dollar and other currencies during the crash, but recovered when the prime minister beat Turkey in a game of Tetris.
4) Miniature Cameras
A miniatures company has teamed up with a camera manufacturer to create the world’s first range of interactive miniatures. The new range has two cameras for eyes, connected via bluetooth to any smart phone. This allows the player to see through the eyes of their character, increasing immersion and giving a better idea of scale. If a VR headset is used, a 3D effect can be created giving an even better immersive experience. The first miniatures are all elves, but other types, and indeed creatures, will be released in the future. The company aren’t stopping there, and plan to have fully mobile remote controlled VR miniatures available in only a few years. The company is already known for some of the finest interactive floor screens and dungeon furniture, including torches with real flames and streams with actual flowing water.
3) Best Sellers
The end of the year sales figures have been released for the video game industry, and show some surprising results,
10) Game of Thrones Season 22 tie-in game “We’ve Found Some More Dragons.”
9) Call of Duty - Guns of a Different Colour - FPS.
8) Pokemon Burnt Sienna Versus Titian Blue - Even more Pokemon fun.
7) Final Fantasy LXIX - Adults only this time around.
6) DigMake III - Minecraft clone.
5) Excavate/Sculpt - Minecraft clone.
4) Walking About On My own - Thinly disguised Minecraft clone
3) Star Wars - The Force Goes For a Nap - Movie tie-in.
2) Star Trek - Reboot Retcon Tie In - Spock is a Woman!
1) Star Trek - Multiverse Crossover - Spock is a Hobbit!
2) Elvish System
A TRPG written entirely in Elvish might seem like a strange thing to make, but Greenwood Publishing have done it anyway.
“It’s not so crazy,” says head developer Galadriel Forester, “we’re using Tolkien’s version of high elvish, so many people speak it already. Since the Isle of Man split off from the UK, renamed themselves Middle Earth, and adopted High Elvish as the official language, there’s been an increase in the numbers who speak the language, not just in Middle Earth, but all over the world.”
The GMs and Players’ rulebooks are both entirely written in Elvish, although there is a third volume with linked online lessons to enable anyone to learn the language.
“As the system we’ve created is based around elves, it made sense to us to complete the immersive experience by taking this small but logical step.” She continued.
1) Invasion Thwarted
What has been described as a “a small but significant alien invasion party” has been stopped by a group of live action roleplaying gamers in the New Forest. The aliens, thought to have been attracted to Earth by SETI broadcasts, landed in a clearing in the forest as the LARPers were getting ready. Four creatures, described as crab-like with flat heads, and wearing armoured space suits, emerged from the craft weapons drawn, obviously expecting the Earthlings to immediately surrender.
It seems the LARPers thought the invasion was part of the scenario, and several Jedi, three Han Solos, two princess Leias, a Wookie and a Klingon who hadn’t read the session notes, ran at the aliens screaming war cries. The aliens panicked, let off a few shots from their laser blasters, and jumped back in the ship. They were last seen heading for Tau Ceti. The Wookie costume was slightly damaged during the incident.
The authenticity of this report has been called into question, but Air Traffic Control did report a strange radar anomaly in that area at the right time.
The LARPers have declined to comment.