101 things to do when you're really really bored

The first fifty one in a series!

1) Arrange your socks in alphabetical order.

2) Tape a blackberry to the A1.

3) Look through the Yellow pages and make a list of your top ten favourite ads.

4) Number the individual sheets on a toilet roll with roman numerals.

5) Visit each room in the house for exactly 90 seconds.

6) Find a word in the dictionary that sounds rude but actually isn't, then work it into every conversation you have.

7) Decide which is the best wall in your house and lavish praise on it.

8) Inflate an emergency life raft in your smallest room.

9) Tell everyone you've got a job as Witchfinder with the local council.

10) Watch tele with the sound down and make up your own dialogue and sound effects.

11) Write a letter to every person in the world.

...In Bed

1) !

2) Turn the mattress over without letting go of it.

3) Count how many objects you can touch whilst staying in contact with the bed.

4) Un-make then re-make the bed whilst lying on it.

5) Count your nipples and/or testicles.

6) Try out every sleeping position and give them names.

7) Go right under the covers and stand up.

8) Grab the nearest book and look for errors in spelling and grammar.

9) Invent the fourth Law of Robotics.

10) Make a picture with the fluff from under the bed. If you are going to be bored for some time, you can actually sort it for colour and texture to give your pictures more depth.

...On the Train

1) Pretend to call a celebrity and talk to them about mundane things.

2) Pretend to fall asleep and have a passionate dream.

3) Take your socks off and make sock puppets to amuse the other passengers.

4) Ask the conductor how much it is to a place in the opposite direction, then insist the train turns around and takes you back.

5) Empty out every single pocket onto the table and arrange the items by weight.

6) Get talking to someone, then make up a completely fictitious life, then when you get off, tell them you made it up.

7) Take out your handkerchief and see if you can remember where you were when you made each stain.

8) Nearing the end of the journey, get up and tell the people around you that you are the driver and you'd best go and stop the train.

9) Buy an enormous book about train wrecks and start quoting passages from it.

10) Start to cry when the ticket inspector punches a hole in your ticket.

...In a Traffic Jam

1) In winter, play endurance by winding down all the windows and putting the cold air on full. Do the opposite in summer.

2) In stationary traffic, wind down your window and pretend to call someone, telling them you're making good time and will be there in two minutes.

3) If you are a passenger, take your clothes off and put them back on with your underwear on the outside.

4) If you are a back seat passenger, pretend to masturbate, just out of sight of the rear view mirror.

5) Again in the back seat. If one side of the car is blocked from the view of other cars, get out, go round the other side and get back in, then continue, in one side, out the other.

6) Another good one, especially with three back seat passengers, is to swap clothes with the person to your left.

7) Make up a bizarre function for every switch, using the pictures on them as guides.

8) Wind your window down without looking and see if you can guess how far its open.

9) Smile and nod in recognition at every one you pass.

10) Tune in to a talk radio station and answer the presenter as though he's in the car with you.

...In The Supermarket

1) Ask a little old lady if she knows which aisle the condoms are on.

2) Secretly place packs of tampons in the trolleys of big hairy blokes.

3) Put as many tubes of KY jelly as you can get away with into the vicar's trolley.

4) Ask an assistant if they sell sacrificial goats.

5) Fill your trolley with as many small items as you can and then queue at the ten items or less till.

6) Pick an item off the shelf at random and say loudly, "They're cheaper at Tesco's" and see how many times you can do it before being thrown out.

7) Start a health scare in the yoghurt aisle.

8) Panic buy Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

9) Sneak some hard boiled eggs into the shop, pretend to take them off the shelf, then juggle with them.

10) Go up to the checkout and demand to be served by a lady doctor.

Great answers to those Eternal questions

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Someone is proved a dirty fibber.

When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear, does it make a sound?
We asked a squirrel and the answer is, "It makes one hell of a noise."

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
very, very, quite.

Where do flys go in the winter?

Why does bread always land butter side down?
It's been genetically modified by the supermarkets as a means of selling more food and cleaning materials.

Because we want to.

How long is a piece of string?
One centimetre shorter than it needs to be.

The Things I'd do for a Million Quid

1) Leap out of a plane wearing only a parachute.

2) Eat worms.

3) Shout rude names at a royal personage of your choice.

4) Call in at the Whitehouse and give the president a good tongue lashing.

5) Dress up in full drag and attend a televised event.

6) Challenge Frank Bruno to a fight, bare-knuckle in a back alley.

7) Wrestle Scandinavian Valkyrie women warriors in a pit of oxtail soup.

8) Relax in a hammock suspended between two palm trees on a beach in the Seychelles whilst drinking scrumpy and eating lamb chops smothered in mint sauce.

Places I'd like to be

Outside a Tom Jones concert on a windy day!

Think about it!

Ice Breakers!

For those times when you want to start a conversation, or just want to be noticed. Simply say the following in a firm but none aggressive manner.

I don't know where I'd be without my foreskin.

That's the problem with women's underwear, I just can't get my size.

I've had loads of sixteen year olds, but they just don't know how to enjoy sex.

Yes, I was in bangkok a few year ago. I had so much sex my arse was sore for weeks!

So there I was with my fingers up the sheeps arse and the farmer walks in!

So is it spit or swallow for your wife then, Vicar?

V.D? Had that, in fact I've still got it but don't worry it's not contagious.

My bedroom still stinks from when we had that donkey in there.

I find if you smother your genitals with yoghurt, the dog with lick them for hours.

My wife's mother is good in the sack, but HER mother is even better.

At a school reunion...

Remember me sir, I'm the one who gave your wife genital warts!

I always thought you where a fat bastard at school, but look at you now!

I remember you, you're the one who let the entire sixth form lick your fanny.

I'm doing well myself, since I came out of prison I can nick anything.

The thing I remember most was the smell coming from your trousers!

I tell you I had such a hard on when you spanked me with a training shoe that time, Headmaster.

I cannot tell a lie, it was me who put the live syphilis bacteria in the school custard.

Who was that old guy who used to play with himself when the girls did netball? Oh, that was your father wasn't it?

Who was that old guy who used to play with himself when the boys did football? Oh, that was your father wasn't it?

Who was that old guy who used to play with himself when the gym teachers did netball? Oh no, that was me!

Remember that time when someone drilled a hole in the girls changing room wall and took photos? That was me! You can see the pictures if you want, I've put them on my website.

At a job interview...

To be honest I'm a bit nervous, I've seen you before, I was in the wardrobe and your wife was naked on the bed, and you walked in.

I was fired from my last job. I put my knob in the bread slicer, and she made a complaint.

I was forced to resign from my last position. Well when the director's wife walks in and you've got his todger in your mouth things can get a bit awkward.

I thought he was being grossly unfair, so I shat in his desk draw, shot my load in his favourite mug, and left a photo on his desk of his daughter in a hot girl on girl action shot with the tea lady.

Yes, I've written off three company cars, so far. In fact the last one is still in Israel, embedded in a kibbutz.

In I walks, three o'clock in the afternoon, roaring drunk from the night before, vomit stained shirt, arse hanging out of my trousers, a blow-up sheep under my arm, handcuffed to a health and safety inspector and he goes and fires me!

So I stormed into his office and placed a small cardboard box on his desk, and I said, "If you sack me you'll need that to carry your teeth home in."

Do as little as you can for as much as they'll pay you and shag the boss's wife as often as possible, that's my motto!

Infamous Last Words

Yes, I've turned the electricity off!

Don't worry, he won't bite me.

There aren't any venomous snakes around here.

What bus?

I wonder what this button does?

Taking drugs never hurt anyone!

Look, it's perfectly safe, I've done it hundreds of times before.

Not scared of a little rope bridge are you?

Look mum, no hands!

Will you shut up about my heart condition!

Surely one more won't hurt!

Your Horoscope! Cast by "Gypsy" Zoe "Rose" Eckleshaw.

Aquarius: A mode of transport will move you today. Think twice before marrying a Wardrobe. Lucky Number is between 1 and 12 million, Lucky Object is The Queen.

Libra: Librans don’t normally believe in horoscopes, so don’t bother reading this. Thanks for nothing, non-believing fanny splash!

Leo: Don’t touch hot fires and nettles today. If someone offers you something, take it with your hand. Lucky Number is 1486766494954567 and Lucky Object is a Currant.

Cancer: Today you will talk to someone. Now is not the time to eat glass. Lucky Number is 13.9 and Lucky Cloud Shape is Gerbil.

Pyrex: Don’t even think about sticking pins in your feet today! A bus will go by. Lucky Number is 6 or 43 or 11 or 104. Lucky Object is a Snood.

Gemini: There is a good chance that you will win the Lottery today, if you pick the right 6 numbers. Don’t sign a contract with anyone with horns. Lucky Number is 51, Lucky Object is a crash helmet.

Scorpio: Today you will die, don’t fight it but face it like an Adult. Lucky Number is 999, Lucky Object is NOT a Train.

Virgo: You will be in a relationship today. The thing you have been worrying about will worry you. Lucky Country is Ecuador, Lucky Object is a small piece of fresh toast.

Taurus: I’m not talking to you today, Taurians are all scum! Lucky Number is not my phone number, you two timing bastard! Lucky Object is that condom you used on my dirty slag sister because she’s got the clap!

Pisces: It will be light around lunch time, but be warned it may get dark later. Lucky Colour is Burnt Umber, Lucky Object is some bullet-proof glass.

Capricorn: A letter will arrive, probably in an envelope. A man with two feet will enter your life. Lucky Vegetable is Sweet Potato, Lucky Object is a Shopping Trolley.

Aries: If you are thinking about setting your house on fire, wait a couple of weeks. Lucky Number is –32.565, Lucky Horse is the brown one.

Sagittarius: Remember, a sharp knife will always cut better. A door, probably made of wood, will stand in your way. Just push right through it! Lucky Socks are pink with yellow daisies. Lucky Object is an Axolotl.

New Sports to be introduced for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics: To give us a better chance at some medals!

Mens' Downhill Queuing.

Mixed Doubles Gossiping.

4 x 100 metres moaning.

Indoor Benefit Fraud.

Women's Dirty Look.

Men's 4 man Pub Crawl.

Men's Waiting for a Parking Space.

Anniversary Gifts: The definitive list of wedding anniversaries, updated for the modern age.

1) Bread.
2) Paper.
3) Thin Card.
4) Foreign Glass.
5) Thick Card.
6) Oil.
7) Teflon.
8) Brick.
9) Cubic Zirconian.
10) Aluminium Alloy.
11) Silicone.
12) Thermo-Plastic.
13) Titanium.
14) Pork.
15) Carbon 50.
16) Acid.
17) Moon Rock.
18) Epoxy Putty.
19) Cellophane.
20) Pine.
21) Resin.
22) Nubuck.
23) Elastane.
24) MDF.
25) Strontium 90.
26) Lycra.
27) Intellectual Property.
28) Kitten Skin.
29) Nickel Metal-Hydride.
30) Wrought Iron.
31) Smoked Glass
32) Macrolon.
33) Dried Raindeer Poo.
34) Oxy-Salicylic Acid.
35) Low Fat Mince.
36) Anything.
37) Nothing.
38) A Leaf.
39) Strawberries.
40) A Medal.
41) Who Cares?
42) See 41
43) See 42
44) See 43
45) See 44, or Fluff.
46) Why Bother?
47) Still With Each other?
48) What, Are You Mad?
49) Sand.
50) The Thing S/He’s Been Hinting At For The Last Fifty Years!