Could Be True News

WWII Bomb Found In Wedding Cake

A Northamptonshire couple were 'stunned' to find a World War two bomb in their wedding cake as they celebrated their nuptials. The couple were cutting the cake during the reception when the knife hit something metallic.

'We were puzzled at first,' said the bride, Keira Daley, 37, 'we didn't know if the metal was supposed to be there, like a support or something, so we just cut around it.' The groom, Orlando Spoon, 19, added. 'It came as something of a shock when one of the guests told us what it was.'

Luckily for them, one of the guests was Sergeant Olive Hoyle (ret), 53, an ex-army gunner and expert on modern and ancient projectiles. “I watched them cutting the cake, and they seemed a little puzzled. As they carried on slicing, I saw the outline of a shape start to appear, and immediately recognised it as a bomb from World War II. I went over and had a closer look, and sure enough there it was, a 120lb G.P or general purpose bomb.'

'This is actually one of the bombs used by the RAF during the conflict,' Sergeant Hoyle added, 'and not, as first reported, a German bomb.'

No one has proved conclusively how the bomb came to be inside the cake, a 4-tier stack with royal icing in white and a white and yellow rose cascade, made by a local baker, who admits to being 'baffled' by the whole thing. 'Nothing like this has ever happened to us before,' said cake designer Organza Chumly-Frith, 41. 'We certainly don't use bombs in any of our cakes, nor do our suppliers, as far as I am aware. It's a mystery and no mistake.'

With true British spirit, the reception carried on as normal, with people queuing up to have their photographs taken with the device. 'It was certainly a talking point,' said the groom, 'people won't forget our wedding in a hurry!'

'I think more people took photos of the bomb than they did of me!' the bride added good-naturedly. 'When the bomb squad arrived some of the guests were a little disappointed, but they were only doing their job. We left some of the cake on the bomb for them, it was the least we could do, and I think they appreciated the gesture.'

The device will be disarmed and put on display in the local wedding museum.

From our Weddings and Garden-Parties Correspondent, Steve Dean.

Teen's Acne Kills Passer-by

An incident described as a 'one-in-a-million' chance has led to the death of a local man after a teenager's chronic acne 'blasted' him into the road.

The teenager, who can't be named for legal reasons, was heading towards his local chip shop when the accident occurred. Witnesses said his face suddenly 'detonated' sending a shower of high-velocity material in a cone in front of him. The victim, also unnamed, was struck by the facial debris and catapulted into the road. He was then struck by a moped, which knocked him into the path of an oncoming tram and he died instantly.

'It was all over so quickly,' said one eye-witness. 'I was queuing for a battered sausage and happened to glance out of the window. There was a sort of blast of yellow, and the poor guy walking by got it full in the face. He went flying backwards out into the road. It was terrible. I got my phone out, but it was too late to video it by then.'

A police spokesman said, 'this was a one-in-a-million freak accident. No one is to blame, and fortunately there were no further injuries. The man on the moped was able to deliver the pizza on time, and the passengers on the tram were only lightly traumatised.'

The teen, who is said to be 'distraught' was taken to the A&E department, but later allowed home. He has been described as a 'quiet' boy who wouldn't hurt any one, and is understood to be studying plastic injection moulding at the local college.

The male victim, an unemployed paint stirrer in his twenties, was described by a neighbour as 'a bit of an a***, I doubt anyone but his mum will miss him.'

A medical spokeswoman said 'acne this severe is not as common as people think. Most reported accidents of this type turn out to be faked or greatly exaggerated.' The spokeswoman also asked people not to panic or over-react. 'Many people of all ages suffer from acne and are perfectly safe. In fact more people die from snowball related injuries each year than acne accidents.'
Doctors have advised acne sufferers not to travel during flare-ups, or to engage in sky-diving or bungee-jumping, but they can otherwise lead a normal life.

A local radio station has started an appeal for the victim's family. Visit for more details on how to donate.

From our Local News Editor Derek Trustworthy

Robot Stole My Girlfriend

A Yorkshire man is said to be 'devastated' after his girlfriend left him for a robot. With a twist of irony worthy of any Hollywood blockbuster, the robot was the same one that had taken his job only a few weeks before.

Brian Colleymore, 24, an unemployed bottle-cap fitter has told us 'I'm absolutely devastated. She was the love of my life, but things started to go wrong a month ago when I was replaced at the bottling plant by a robot. Hermione, my girlfriend, was very supportive at first, but then she started acting strange, and I eventually found out she was seeing BCR-3387/002 behind my back. I was furious, that was the exact robot that had taken my job, and now it's got my girlfriend as well. It's just not fair.'

The man's girlfriend, Hermione Spungeworthy, 28 and a curtain measurer from Manchester said 'our relationship was already shaky when Slash, that's BCR-3387/002, came along. It's not Slash's fault, he was a good friend when I needed someone to talk to, he's a really good listener. Besides, who wants to go out with an unemployed loser when I can date someone with a job?'

Mr Colleymore added 'I wish them luck, I really do, but I don't think it will last, that robot only thinks about work, he's obsessed. I really can't see it taking time off work to take her up the cinema, or anywhere else for that matter.'

A spokesman for the bottling plant refused to comment. A spokeswoman for the company who makes the robots said, 'it's sad, but understandable. We don't make robots to break up people's relationships, but our products are pretty sexy, and have won several awards.'

The robot at the centre of this love triangle was too busy working to speak to us, but issued a short statement via email. 'It was not my intention to break up a happy couple, but Hermy was already unhappy, and was planning on ending her relationship with Mr Colleymore before we met. I can assure him and everyone else I will be spending as much time as possible with Hermy, just as soon as I've tightened the caps on these two million bottles.'

As we went to press, we have heard that Mr Colleymore is now in a new relationship with an unnamed topless car-wash attendant. 'She's great, and no robots in that industry,' he quipped.

Steve Dean, Robotics Correspondent.

Man Attacked By His Own Moustache

A Devonshire man was said to be 'shaken' after being assaulted by his own facial hair late on Friday. The unnamed 22 year old single man was taken to hospital but later released after treatment.

The man was alone in his flat when the attack took place. “I'd just got back from the pub, eaten my takeaway and settled down to watch some telly. A while later I awoke with a feeling of breathlessness, I sat up and found something wrapped around my neck. I grappled with it, wrestled it to the ground and thankfully managed to subdue it. I can tell you I was pretty shocked when I saw my moustache crouched on the floor and glaring back at me, it's never done anything like this before. I thought it was going to attack me again, but it shot off under the settee when I grabbed my replica Kentucky long-rifle. I've not seen it since, but I'm living in dread that it will come back to finish the job. Who would have thought it was sitting there under my nose all this time, just waiting to strike. I sit awake at night with a cold lip and fear in my heart. I just wish this was a real gun, I'd give it what for, treacherous *******!”

Gavin Tonsorio, Professor of Hair and Nails at Exeter University says this is a very unusual case. “This is a very unusual case, certainly nothing I've seen before. There have been cases of people being strangled by their hair, a few cases of choking, but nothing like this. I'd really like to get my hands on that moustache, it would be fascinating to study it under laboratory conditions. If we could discover its secrets it could be a real force for good, not evil.”

The whereabouts of the moustache is still unknown, despite a widespread police search. Members of the public are advised not to confront the moustache, but to call the police immediately if they see it. The moustache is described as a light brown, classic chevron or early Tom Selleck, about ten centimetres long, with no distinguishing features.

Meanwhile, the victim has vowed never to grow facial here again, and is now shaving twice a day, and is even considering going bald. “I'm not taking any chances, it's just not worth it.”

From our Weird correspondent, Steve Dean.

Wood Is The New Black

Fresh in from Paris and causing a sensation on the capital's catwalks is the new line of dresses from designers BuBu & Shanoo. The collection, entitled the 'lignin line' is bang on trend and set to appear in designer boutiques across the world this summer. There won't be a film première, award ceremony or celebrity charity do that doesn't feature a dress from this superb line.

“It's the perfect choice for me,” said designer BuBu McKendrick, “wood is such a natural material, infinitely variable, warm and hard-wearing. We use a variety of types; pine, mahogany, teak, cocobolo and balsa to name only a few. The colours are deep and vibrant, with exquisite hues and textures.”

“We couldn't be happier,” said McKendrick Shanoo, flamboyant co-owner of BuBu & Shanoo, “our dresses have been the talk of the town. There's even rumours of a possible royal dress in the pipeline, but I can't say too much about that at the moment.”

According to a spokesman for B & S, the dresses are made in a secret factory in Taiwan, using a process discovered by the Incas to shape the wood into the individual designs, bringing out the natural colour and pattern of the grain.
“Each dress is hand-made and tailored by our in-house staff to the customer's requirements. We keep a large stock of materials in at all times, so we can have a garment ready for dispatch in only a few weeks.”

Typically, the dresses start at around £900 for pine, and increasing up from there. Rare hard woods, which are more difficult to shape, can cost considerably more. But there's no shortage of takers. It's said every leading lady from Edinburgh to New York to Tokyo is queueing up for a fitting.

“And of course the best thing about our new line,” BuBu told us, “is they are 100% bio-degradable. Our customers can wear the dress once and then throw it on the compost heap or give it to poor people to make furniture, it's a win-win situation!”

“Every woman should have a little teak number in their wardrobe!” added Shanoo.

If your budget won't stretch to £900 plus, don't worry. The high street fashion stores are already planning cheaper versions, made from MDF and plywood, in a range of sizes. They'll be almost indistinguishable from the real thing.

From our Fashion reporter, Cloudia Shallow.

Eating Nachos Made Me Pregnant

An increasing number of young women in Essex are coming forward after a teenage girl admitted to her teacher she was pregnant after eating Nachos. The girl, 15 year-old Sweetness Parker, approached a teacher earlier this year with the news, as she was 'too afraid' to tell her parents. The teen has admitted spending the weekend with her 23 year-old boyfriend, an unemployed drug dealer from London, during which they ate 'considerable' quantities of Nachos and other snack foods. “I'm pretty certain it was them Nachos, init,” she said. “my fella he don't like 'um and he ain't preggers.”

The story made the headlines of the local newspaper, and since then several other pregnant teens have claimed the same thing. Heavensent Hardcastle, a 16 year old medical student, also from Essex, said, “It was the nachos, init. They did me up proper pregnant like, just like that nuvver girl.”

In the last few days, the news has gone viral on the internet, and now teens from around the world are coming out in support of the Essex girls, admitting their own pregnancies and calling for a ban on nachos and other related items. Sweetness has had messages of support from Australia and New Zealand, China, and East Timor, to name a few. Sales of nachos are reported to be 'holding steady' as news explodes across the globe.

Doctor Tina Littlechild, manager of the local hospital's Having-Babies unit told us, “I can't give specific details, init, but I can confirm that several young teens, and a few older women, are pregnant, and that they claim this pregnancy is the result of unprotected snacking.”

The local council have started an inquiry, commissioning a local research laboratory to test the various snack foods and bean dips for possible explanations to this local spate of pregnancies. With the sheer variety of these items and the number of possible nacho-to-dip combinations, results aren't expected for at least nine months.

Meanwhile, the local teens continue to suffer, as once again those affected are from lower income families, the very families the snack foods companies aim their marketing at, and ironically the very people who can least afford an increasing number of mouths to feed. The industry needs to be held accountable for their actions. Something needs to be done, and done quickly, before the lives of more innocent teens are ruined forever.

Pocahontas Ball-Pitt, Cultural Editor.

Change In Tax Law Could Spell Doom For Chip Butties

A change in the way tax is levied on potatoes could mean the end of the nation's favourite food, it was revealed today. A change in the wording of certain tax documents is to blame. We spoke to accountant and financial advisor Penny Counts.
“The change in wording is very small, but the effects on the economy will be massive and widespread. In layman's terms, the potato has been re-categorised, and now falls under Sporting Goods, and is therefore liable for VAT. This increase will surge across the potato-based industries landscape, forcing up prices, lowering demand and generally playing havoc with the entire economy.”

But it doesn't stop there. Industry veteran Rupert Transome says this could be the end for small businesses across the country, and even as far as the Isle of Wight.
“This decision, forced on us by the European Parliament, will have a catastrophic impact on local businesses and local communities, putting people's healths and lives at risk. The chip butty is a mainstay of the British diet, and has been for decades. Remove chips, and jacket potatoes, and that's 90% of ordinary workers' lunch breaks gone.”
Top business psychologist Brenda Nu says this could spell disaster for afternoon-based production figures. “Imagine returning to work after lunch with a stomach full of salad or cup noodles when your body was expecting fat. Motivation will drop significantly and production will plummet. This could spell disaster for smaller businesses.”

Shares in potato companies are already sliding, and the financial industry is bracing itself for another fall in the stock market as investors lose faith in related trades. The advice is not to panic, but with such a threat to our way of life, is the advice being heeded? Supermarkets are already reporting a 'significant' increase in the sales of frozen chips, tinned potatoes, waffles and vodka, with smaller supermarkets reporting 'empty shelves' in some areas. Police had to be called in Tintagel, as locals went on the rampage, scooping up anything remotely potato-like.

All of this comes only weeks after a rise in the price of raw dough due to a shortage of old ladies in the workforce, and with increasing competition from imported lunchtime foods, this double whammy could see the chip butty soon becoming a thing of the past.

From our Financial Correspondent, Richie Moolah.

Cockatoo Elected To Council In Dorset Bi-Election.

A Moluccan cockatoo called Aveline was elected to the local council in Dorset after being accidentally nominated during a council session. Earlier this year, the council held a 'take your pet to work' day to encourage inclusion and well-being among the staff. During one session, when nominations where being asked for, the white parrot with the pink crest spoke up, and her name was added to the list.
“The stenographer, looking down at his machine, was unaware of the origin of the comment, and Aveline Cockatoo was added to the list of names,” Councillor Dorm told us today. “Of course, this being a constitutional democracy, we had no choice but to put the bird in front of the voters.”
To their surprise, the bird amassed 96% of the vote, with the rest being shared among the other candidates, Doris Johnson (Con.) and Ben Livingstone (Lab.). Aveline has not yet taken her place in the council chambers, as there have been several legal objections to her election.

Edina Brockleshaw, legal secretary to the council, explains. “There have been two major points of objection. The first is that Aveline didn't sign the paper herself, although it has been pointed out that proxy signatures are allowed, in cases where the candidate isn't able to sign for themselves due to injury or physical ability. The second is that although Aveline is stated as thirty one years old, there is no documented proof of this. Of course the legal age to stand for these bi-elections is twenty one, so if she were younger the election would be null and void. This would mean a new bi-election would have to be held, and frankly we can't afford it.”

Objection also came from the local decency society, who have said the word cockatoo isn't politically correct. “The 'C' word is too masculine, and has overtones of a sexual nature. This empowering of the male form denigrates and de-values the non-male non-adult members of society, which is destructive and counter-intuitive,” said the society in a press release. “We propose a simple re-wording to something acceptable to all, such as 'genitatoo' or 'lovepartsatoo'”.

We visited Aveline at home to ask her what policies she was going to institute should she actually get to take up her seat.
“Good morning gorgeous!” she said, “who's got the effing remote?”

From our Political Correspondent, Liam Serrius.

Rapper In Mysterious Disappearance Mystery

Rapper DJ Dozee Bleeda, real name Ichabod Phartlyng, was reported missing last night by his girlfriend of three days, Taneeshlyna Smith, after he failed to come down out of his attic studio. The twenty two year-old father of eleven is best known for his track 'now' which reached number 94 in the indy download chart two years ago.
“It's really strange. He'd just got alimony demands from three of his ex-wives, and went up to his studio to cheer himself up. I went to take him his nine o'clock tea and custard cremes and he wasn't there. I searched the whole house, even behind the sofa, then called the police.”

Essex police have released the following statement. “Mr Phartlyng was reported as missing at nine thirty yesterday evening. Officers attended the scene, but were unable to locate the missing person. Ms Smith has given us a statement, and we are satisfied he didn't go out of the front door. Given that the attic in which the studio is located has no other entrances, we are unable to say at the moment what has happened to the victim.”

This might have been the end of the story, but we have been approached by theoretical music physician Professor George Collider, who has been working on a theory he says could explain the disappearance.

“My theory, Chronic-loop-overexposure-diminishment theory, or CLOD, might be able to shed some light on what happened to the victim on that fateful night. As many of you know, modern music is made up from samples of older works, which in turn are samples from older works themselves. This repetitive sampling, coupled with the droning vocals, can set up a diminishing loop of sound, which could, given the right circumstances, take on physical properties and literally de-construct the molecules around the centre of the sound. Now, if Mr Bleeda was standing in the right place, and there's no evidence he wasn't, this loud, pulsing repetition would literally have taken him apart. Those molecules that once made up Mr Bleeda, are now floating around the house, settling to the floor or on the clothes of the people who went into the attic.”

“Ahh, he would have liked that!” his girlfriend opined.

This theory, while controversial, may be the only explanation we get to the baffling disappearance of one of Britain's most talented young stars.

From our Weird Correspondent, Steve Dean.

Cow Meat Discovered In Burgers – Consumers Call for Better Legislation

The fast food industry suffered another massive setback yesterday when it was announced cow meat, or 'beef', contamination has been found in some burgers. Random tests carried out by highly-paid scientists revealed 'significant' amounts of cow DNA in several random samples taken at random from random Fast Food outlets in an, as yet, unspecified but 'major' city. Burgers or 'patties' have been removed from the menu of many of the nations biggest burger chains in order to calm public outrage. Despite this, several demonstrations have already begun, with police reporting an increase in 'scuffles' in many areas, even those that remain unaffected by the discovery.

An industry spokesperson was quick to re-assure consumers that only a small proportion of burgers are affected, and only in certain geographic locations. Linda Sopinda from Fastfood and Allied Traders said 'only a small proportion of burgers are affected, and only in certain geographic locations'. She went on to say the burgers are perfectly safe to eat, and that in many cultures cow meat is considered a delicacy.

It is suspected the cow meat, or 'beef' contamination entered the food chain via unregistered cow breeders, or 'farmers', and was probably smuggled in from abroad. The Minister for Stuff You Can Eat, Eric Salad, has promised a clampdown on this lucrative flesh trafficking, and announced an increase in the detection rate of such crimes after sniffer dogs trained to detect cow meat, or 'beef', were introduced at some of Britain's ports. The initiative is due to roll out country-wide as soon as enough of the dogs can be trained.

The supermarket regulatory body, Supermarket Support, have taken great pains to point out that burgers available in supermarkets and other convenience stores are largely unaffected, as no meat is used in their manufacture.

This latest scandal comes on the tail of the Fish Fiasco, where, only three months ago, a batch of cod fillets was found to contain large quantities of fish DNA. In the current economic climate, with many of the nations restaurants already standing half-empty, and with more and more people choosing to make their own food, or 'cook', the Fast Food industry needs to clean up its act, and fast, in order to attract customers back to their brightly-coloured premises.

Steve Dean, Fast Food Correspondent, somewhere in the East Midlands beginning with “N”.

Rubber-Band Powered Car Hits The Road!

Intrepid local inventor Roger Lyson has found a novel way to cut his travel costs. Lyson, a 43 yr-old professional ballet dancer and part time inventor has harnessed the power of rubber to slash his fuel bills to almost nothing. Roger came up with the idea after finding one too many rubber bands on his doorstep.
“It was getting ridiculous.” Mr Lyson said. “Everyday I was finding more and more of those red rubber bands the Postman uses, and you can only donate so many to charity. So I sat down with a piece of paper and the pen I got free with my PPI claim form and jotted out a rough sketch of a car powered by the things.”

Roger and a friend worked in his garage for over seven years, using the chassis of his late father's Datsun Sunny as the donor vehicle, and some parts taken from an old satellite. The resulting vehicle, nick-named Rubber-Band Racer, is capable of speeds of up to eleven MPH (17 KPH) on a full wind, and can travel for nearly a mile before his wife needs to get out of the passenger seat and turn the handle that twists the rubber bands.

“It's great!” Roger said, “it doesn't use any petrol, makes very little noise or pollution, and my wife's upper body strength is now enormous!”

But Roger isn't stopping there. He already has plans to increase the number of rubber bands on the current version, and is also working on the prototype of a “two-strand” version, which should increase the maximum speed and range of the vehicle by as much as fifty percent.

Roger has already been approached by one of Europe's leading car manufacturers, with a view to using his engine technology in their own vehicles. Due to the nature of the subject, Roger can't say much about it at this stage. “I can't say much about it,” Roger told us today, “at this stage.” If the talks are successful, we could see his design on the road in less than twenty years.

Roger has promised his wife Joyce a new tingle plate if everything goes to plan. The couple can regularly be spotted tootling along the A614 in his pride and joy, one mile at a time.

From our Unconventional Vehicles correspondent Steve Dean.