Behind Closed Doors

Fade in:

Scene 1 (ext) Suburban street (Day)

A young girl is taping a lost kitten poster to a telephone pole. “Lost cat, tigger, reward if found. Address etc.”

The pole is outside a normal looking house. The curtains twitch as a couple, Keith and Danielle Allsop, approach. She is petite, with a black eye, he well built, she is pushing a baby buggy in which sits a child of about three. 

Keith
…Criticising all the time. You complain about my job, my mates, when I go out, when I come back. I’m sick of it.

Pause.

Danielle
Hello Melissa, No sign yet?

Melissa
No, not yet. Mum says cats often wander, but they come home eventually.

Danielle
Yes, they do, probably living with some old lady, having a holiday.

Melissa smiles uncertainly and heads home.

Pause.

Danielle
I only commented about you coming home because you were drunk. Again. And who where you drunk with? Those horrible so called drunken mates. And if you tried you could get a much better job, more money. We could afford a holiday abroad.

They fall silent as they pass the house. Once past they start up again. The curtains twitch again.

Keith
I like my job. If you wanted fancy foreign holidays you should have married somebody else.

Danielle
(Quietly) Perhaps I should.

Keith
You even look at another bloke and I’ll give you another eye to match that one.

Danielle
That says it all.

Keith
What’s that supposed to mean…

A people carrier drives by…

Several children get out and run up to the door of a house. They knock and shout through the letterbox.

Child One
Grandma! Granddad! We’re here.

Child Two
Let us in, we’ve got something for you!

Child Three
(Holding a bunch of flowers) She nicked them out of a garden.

Child one
Did not!

Margaret and Thomas Morgan, an elderly couple, answer the door, smiling broadly. The children pile in shouting and laughing.

Margaret
Hello you lot, come on in. Hang your coats up, and take your shoes off, that’s it.

Thomas
Wait until you see what we’ve got for you, in the kitchen.

Margaret
(Loudly) See you later! She waves

Their parents wave and drive away. The old woman glances at the house across the street as she closes the door.

A shadow moves behind the curtain.

Three or four boys of about eleven or twelve are walking along the street kicking a football up in the air.

Boy one
Then there’s this massive explosion and you think it’s dead but it’s not.

Boy two
Yes, but starts to move and the skeleton stands up and walks out of the fire.

Boy one
It’s not a skeleton, stupid, it’s the insides of the robot.

Boy two
Yes but it looks like a skeleton.

Boy one
Then it starts to chase after them again and they go inside this factory place and crush it to death with this big crushing thing.

Boy two
What about when he blows its legs off? That was cool.

Boy three
You can’t blow a robots legs off, they’re made of metal.

Boy one
Yes, but right, the man right, he makes his own bombs in the kitchen, and he’s from the future so he can make bombs that blow up metal.

One of the boys mis-kicks the football and it lands in a rambling cottage style garden. They look at the ball then at each other.

Boy one
That’s your fault. Now look where it’s gone.

Boy three
It’s not my fault, you were going on about some stupid film your big brother let you watch and made me kick it wrong. Anyway, you should have caught it.

Boy two
How can I catch it when you’re a crap kicker.

Boy one
Who’s going to fetch it then?

Boy two
I’m not going in there, she’s a witch, if she catches you she’ll lock you up under the stairs and turn you into a toad.

Boy three
I heard that lots of cat’s go missing around here. I bet she’s got them all locked up in cages and she eats them. I bet it stinks in there.

Boy four
(cautiously) I’ll get it, I’m not scared.

The boy slowly approaches the garden and carefully opens the gate. He picks the ball off the front garden and dashes out as an old woman opens the front door. She is dressed all in black and has black hair.

Edith Harris
Are you alright there?

Boy one
Run! The witch‘ll get you! The boys dash away down the street.

She smiles as the boys dash away.

Edith
No respect, youngsters these days, no respect at all. I blame the parents. Out all hours and leaving them to it. A bit different to my day. Still, I wouldn’t have minded a bit of freedom. I’ve always wanted to climb a tree.

She walks up the path and closes the gate the boys have left open.

A sleek black jaguar car pulls up and the window purrs open. Stewart Graph, past middle age, sits in the driver’s seat. He calls to Edith.

Stewart
Morning Mrs Harris, everything alright?

Edith
Yes thank you Stewart. Just a few youngsters after their football.

She leans down to look at the passenger.

Edith
Morning Vicky, How’s your leg?

Vicky Caplan, a young leggy busty blonde, smiles back.

Vicky
Much better now thanks.

Edith
Good. Best get back in then, Percy’ll worry.

Stewart
O.K Edith, see you later.

Vicky
Bye!

Stewart winds up the window and drives off, pulling into the pub car park just down the road.

Vicky
I thought she lived on her own?

Stewart
She does.

Vicky
So who’s Percy, Her live in lover?

Stewart
Lord knows, probably some imaginary friend, or the body of that postman that went missing.

Vicky
Don’t say that.

Stewart
Only joking. Come on, we’re wasting drinking time.

He jumps from the car and dashes around to the passenger side.

Stewart
(Opening the car door) Let me get that for you darling.

Vicky gets out.

Vicky
(Smiling) Thank you.

Stewart
My pleasure

Vicky
You don’t have to you know. I can open doors myself.

Stewart 
I know, but I like to look after you. Now, take my arm.

Vicky
I know what you’re doing. Flash car, young bird on your arm. You‘re just a show off.

Stewart
Rubbish, a man should be able to enjoy the fruits of his labour, especially when he’s getting on in years.

They enter the pub, nodding and smiling at a couple on the way out. A thirty something couple, Richard and Kate Simms, emerge from the pub and get into a nice car.

Richard
Well that wasn’t too bad. Food was alright, and it’s nice to talk to a few of the neighbours we don’t see very often.

Kate
Umm, ok for a change, but I wouldn’t like to make a habit of it, got a bit smoky in there.

Richard
Yes, I thought it was a no smoking area, but I didn’t like to say anything. You never know how people are going to take it.

Kate
No, specially in a pub. I thought the music was a bit loud, I was trying to talk to Kalvin, find out how his mum is.

Richard
Oh yes, how is she?

Kate
Well he says she’s ok but he still sounded worried.

The car stops in front of a normal house. The curtains twitch on the house next door. There seems to be a flash of light, like sun reflecting on glass, from behind the thick curtains.

Richard opens the boot and lifts some shopping out. A little blonde girl appears.

Richard
Hello Melissa, off school today?

Melissa
Yes, mum says it’s an insect day.

Richard
That’s nice. See you later crocodile. (Smiles)

Melissa
In a while, alligator. (Smiles)

Richard and Kate walk up the path to their front door.

Kate
Afternoon Ron.

The elderly neighbour on the other side looks around.

Ron
Hello dear, been doing a bit of shopping?

Kate
Hello Ron. Just a few presents and things. Coming around later for cuppa?

Ron
I will do yes.

She goes into the house with the bags.

Richard
(Nodding in the direction of Thomas and Margaret’s house) I see they’ve got the grand children around again. I don’t know how they do it, patience of saints.

Ron
I wouldn’t mind seeing mine a bit more often, but I don’t think I could cope with them all day. You can hear the noise from here.

Richard
Good luck to them, that’s what I say. It obviously makes them happy, never see them without a smile.

Ron
That’s true enough. Must cost them a packet though, all that food and treats and things, they always go home with something. 

Richard
(Nods and smiles) Anyway, how’s that lawn mower of yours.

Ron
Still can’t get the engine going, but everything turns over as it should.

Richard
I’ll nip round later, see if I can be of any help.

Ron
I’d appreciate it. Might be better up on the workbench, but I can’t get it off the floor. (Rubs his back to indicate why.

Richard
O.K, I’ll come around when we’ve got sorted inside. Just got a few chores to do.

Ron
Right oh.

Richard goes inside and the front door closes.

Scene 2 (int) Hall way of a suburban house (Night)

Keith Allsop comes home late one night, he’s been drinking. His wife Danielle has been watching out of a bedroom window for him.

Keith
Danielle! Danielle! Where are you? Get here, I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.
Danielle appears at the top of the stairs. Keith sees her and stomps up the stairs.

Danielle
Be quiet you big oaf, you’ll wake Megan up.

Keith
(Ignoring her) Get in there, go on.

Danielle
Keith, please. Don’t, not now.

Keith
Shut up whining, it’s your own fault, I’ve warned you but you won’t listen.

He points to the spare room door. Silently, Danielle turns and walks into the bedroom. Keith closes the door.

Scene 3 (int) Spare bedroom of a suburban house (Night)

There are a few boxes stacked in a corner and a folded up bed. There is a large faded rug in the centre of the room. Other than that the room is bare. Keith raises his fists and approaches Danielle.

Keith
This time you’re gonna get what’s been coming to you, this is long over due. Oh yes.

Danielle
Keith please, don’t. Think about Megan. You know she’s been unwell. She needs her sleep. If you wake her up I’ll never get her back to sleep.

Keith
Well, you should have thought of that before. Before you went running your mouth off. That’s your problem you see, too much gob, too much thinking about your self. Selfish, that’s what you are. Well I ‘m going to give you something else to think about.

Scene 4 (int/ext) Door step of a suburban house (Evening)

Thomas and Margaret Morgan stand in the doorway. The three grand children file passed, kissing and hugging each grandparent in turn.

Child one
Night Grandma, night Granddad.

Child two
Good night Grandma, Good night Granddad, thanks for the sweets.

Child three
Good night Grandma, Goodnight granddad, Good night John boy.

Thomas
Good night you lot. See you next time.

Margaret
Good night. Have you got everything?

Three children
(In chorus) Yes!

The children run off boisterously. Their grandparents smile and wave from the door step as the people carrier pulls away.

Margaret
(to departing vehicle) Drive Safely!

Thomas
Well, it’s nice to see them, but it’s still nice when they’ve gone. I’m sure glad we just had the one.

Margaret
You know you wouldn’t be without them. And I bet they’ve left something. We’ll get a phone call in about half an hour. “Have you got a yellow pokemon that looks like a duck?”

Thomas
(Laughs) No wonder kids are daft these days. Right, where were we?

Margaret
Are you sure you have the energy after all that running around?

Thomas
You’ll see how much energy I’ve got.

They smile at each other, then the door closes, slowly.

Scene 5 (int) The front room of an old cottage (Night)

Edith Harris is sitting in a battered arm chair before a coal fire.

Edith
Those children do make me laugh, daring each other to fetch their ball back. I’d invite them in for tea if I thought they’d come. Could do with a bit of company. I don’t suppose they would though not with what they say when they think I can’t hear. We had respect for our elders when I was a girl, talk nice, mind your ‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’. Still, I suppose it’s better I scare them than the other way around. It’s so different now days Percy. Everything. I can’t think of a single thing that’s around now that hasn’t changed. Look at this coal fire. Not real coal, no. It’s that light stuff. I wonder how they get it like that? Genetically modified I expect. It burns nice mind. Open this for me Percy, there’s a good lad.

She lifts a Brazil nut out of a small dish beside her and holds it up. It comes back down shelled.

Edith
Thanks Percy.

Percy
No problem.

Edith
Of course, your life has changed a bit as well, but I don’t suppose you’d remember that, being so young and all when you came over here. That reminds me, must get a birthday card for our Pat. Is it pension day tomorrow Percy?

Percy
That’s right.

Edith
I thought it was. That’s another thing that’s changed. Money. Not just the money of course, that’s changing all the time. Used to have huge metal coins with real silver in them. You could have lived for a week on a shilling then. And still had change. Now days people don’t even see their money, it’s straight in the bank and that direct debbie woman whips it straight out. When I was a girl there was never enough to go around. Perhaps they just print it faster these days. Well, I’d better be off then, get us something for tea. Chinese or Indian, or that captain bloke with his chicken? I’ll see how big the queue is. You stay here Percy, guard the family silver. (Laughs.)

Percy
No problem.

Scene 6 (int) A huge bedroom in a large house (night)

Stewart Graph is sitting on the edge of the bed. Vicky Caplan stands a few feet away. She is wearing sexy underwear under a sheer dressing gown.

Stewart
It’s all you ever think about, money. You’re obsessed with it. If you had a million you’d want two. If you had two you’d want four.

Vicky
It’s not just the money, it’s what money brings. The freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want to. To travel, eat in expensive restaurants, to buy expensive gifts for people. Or even just to wake up in the morning and say right, I’m not going to work today, I’m going shopping instead. The confidence to try something new, knowing you can buy your way out of it if it goes wrong. So, ok you can’t solve everything with cash, but you can solve most things. Which would you prefer, rich and miserable or poor and miserable?

Stewart
Alright, I take your point, but what about the spiritual things, what about personal development, growing as a person. The intangible things, things you can’t buy.

Vicky.
Well, they say travel broadens the mind, which makes you grow, and giving presents is good for the spirit, surely. And, peace of mind that being financially secure brings means peace of the body as well. (Smiles with satisfaction)

Stewart
I still think there’s more to life then striving for riches.

Vicky
I know, and there are a couple of other things in here. You know you want them and you know what you have to do to get them. Now stop stalling and answer the question, gold or diamonds?

Stewart
(Thinks for a moment)What about both?

Vicky
That’s cheating. But I’ll let you off this time.

Vicky peels off the dressing gown and drops it to the floor.

Scene 7 (int) The kitchen of a modern suburban house (night)

Richard and Kate Simms are sitting around a large kitchen table. Richard is ripping raffle tickets out of a book. Kate is rolling them up and putting them into straws.

Richard
I told him that would happen, but he didn’t listen. Now the poor guy’s out of a job and we’re one short in the dispatch department. I’ve talked to Gerry, but he thinks it’s too late.

Kate
Isn’t there anywhere else you can put him, away from that idiot manager?

Richard
It would be nice, with Christmas not far around the corner, but everywhere else is either full or unsuitable. I really feel for the poor bloke. None of it was his fault, right from the start. How many more of these do you want?

Kate
Might as well do the whole book. We’ll almost certainly need them for the Christmas fete, if we don’t use them all now. We’ve had quite a few donations so far.

Richard
(Smiling) And how many have you contributed?

Kate
I’ve only bought a few things, and I said I’d make some cakes. And I volunteered you as a driver, by the way.

Richard
Thanks!

Kate
I knew you’d be pleased.

Kate
We’d best hurry up with these , I said I’d take them round before eight. And I’ve got to pick up some jumble from somebody on Prize close.

Richard
I‘m supposed to be helping Ron with his lawnmower, he says he can’t get the engine started. Kate
(Smiling) Know a lot about engines do you?

Richard
Not really, but I can at least help him with the heavy lifting and stuff. He can’t manage a lot at his age, and with his back.

Scene 8 (int) The back bedroom of a modern suburban house (night)

Danielle and Keith are standing in the back bedroom faced off against each other. Danielle is wearing faded pyjamas. Danielle looks worried but isn’t backing off. Keith is angry, and has been drinking.

Danielle
Please Keith, don’t. Don’t do this. You’ll regret it in the morning, you always do.

Keith
Not this time. This time you’re going to regret it.

Danielle
Keith! Don’t!

Keith moves forward in a boxer’s stance. He throws a punch, straight towards her face. She quickly blocks it and dances out of the way. He tries to punch her again again, she blocks again.

Danielle
You’d better stop it Keith, stop now, you know what happened last time, and the time before. You must be really thick to not have learned your lesson.

Keith growls and rushes towards her again, this time she returns the punch, one in the stomach, a swift kick in the ribs followed by a foot sweep. Keith goes down, hitting the floor with a thud. He rolls around in pain.

Danielle
(Looking down at him, pointing vigorously) I told you, but you wouldn’t listen. Oh no, not Mr tough guy. Not so tough now though are you? One of these days I’m going to black your eyes. Both of them. Huge big purple shiners. How are you going to explain that at work, ay? Or down the pub with your big macho mates. Now be quiet you big lug, you’ll wake Megan.

Danielle walks out.

Keith
(Calling after her) That hurt, that did. That really hurt, I think you’ve broke something. Better call an ambulance, I think one of my ribs has gone. I could be bleeding inside. Danielle returns with a cold sponge. She rolls him over and opens his shirt. She presses the cold sponge against his ribs.

Keith
Careful, that’s tender that is. You’ve broken it, I’m sure you have.

Danielle
(Dabs the injury with the sponge) It’s not broke, I didn’t hit you that hard. Besides, it’s your own fault. I warned you, I warn you every time. But you never listen. If you do it again I’ll really break your ribs. Won’t feel like going to the pub with broken bones and black eyes will you? I’d knock some of your teeth out if we could afford the dentist. (No humour)

Keith
(Hesitantly smiles)I am trying, honest. I’m getting better though aren’t I? This is the first time in ages.

Danielle
(Softening) Yes, you’re getting better. If you’d just cut down on your drinking, keep you away from those mates of yours as well. And save a bit of money.

Keith
Don’t, not now.

Danielle
Ok, carry on then, I quite enjoy our little sessions, gives me such a buzz! Such a feeling of power!

Keith
(wide eyed) Really?

Danielle
Oh yes. (Pauses) No, not really you big lug. I’ll check on Megan, you pick your self up off the floor and get ready for bed.

Keith
Yes love. (Quietly, almost to himself) I’m going to learn some martial arts one of these days, when I get around to it.

Danielle kisses his forehead then stands and walks out, she shakes her head, a slight smile on her face. On the landing she stops just in time before walking into an open cupboard door, she rubs her black eye, shaking her head. .

Scene 9 (int) The back room of a modern suburban house (night)

Margaret and Thomas are in the back room of their house, furthest from the street. Margaret is sat at a computer. Thomas is fiddling with something.

Margaret
I think this thing needs some more memory you know, it’s getting a bit slow.

Thomas
The hard drive is a bit full though, Maybe it’s that.

Margaret
True. I’ve seen a nice 120 gig drive in that shop opposite ASDA. We could get some more memory as well as it’s so cheap at the moment.

Thomas
We might as well go the whole hog and upgrade the processor whilst we’re at it. It’ll take a 3 ghz.

Margaret
That’s practically a new pc, we might as well wait until the January sales and buy a new one. Splash out on a full system, if you like, this printer’s seen better days.

Thomas
Yes, good idea. We could get one with a dvd writer.

Margaret
You and your dvd’s. I can’t believe people are falling for the whole media hype. Dvd this and dvd that. If everyone buys dvd players what’s going to happen to video players, and then what are you going to play all your videos on?

Thomas
They’ll still make videos for years yet. You can still buy turntables, and when was the last time we bought vinyl?

Margaret
I’m not convinced, we’re at the mercy of market forces. Right, let’s have a look what’s on this site. It looked quite interesting when I skimmed through it. I found it the other day when I was looking for those Girls Aloud tickets.

Thomas
Yes, that was very sneaky of you, offering to take the grandkids to the concert because you want to go yourself. I can just imagine you in a concert hall full of teeny boppers.

Margaret
You said you wanted to go as well. Just because you fancy that Suzanne. Here we go, now then where is it, I know it’s here somewhere, I’m sure I saw it the other day. Are you ready with that thing?

Thomas
Almost. What are you looking for anyway, you’ve been up and down that screen a dozen times?

Margaret
You know, that one with that lovely Victoria in it. I went passed it once and now I can’t find it.

Thomas
You’re out of your mind.

Margaret
No, I’m sure I’ve seen it.

Thomas
No, that’s what it’s called. “You’re out of your mind.” Victoria Spice and Dane Bowers.

Margaret
That’s not her name, she was Posh Spice, still is I suppose. Her name was aadams, with two a’s. It’s Beckham now. Lovely couple. I wish she’d make some more records though, lovely voice.

Thomas
I’m not sure she’s suited to garage music though, she should do some nice pop ballads, like Kylie.

Margaret
Garage, Uh! That’s all a flash in the pan anyway. It’s just updated rap music with flash voice effects and a more up tempo beat. Ah! Here it is. Right, are you ready with the thing?

Thomas
Yep, all set. I’ve taken the feed from the mp3 player and patched it through the sound card and into the amplifier. Now we can get nice reproduction with decent bass and still have the flexibility with the adjustments in the sound card software. We could burn a few of these onto cd as well and have them on in the car.

Margaret
We could label them up as classical stuff, no one will touch them then.

Thomas
Good idea. I can’t wait until I get my hands on a writeable dvd, we can get days worth of tunes on just one disk.

Margaret
Shut up about your dvd’s. What we should do is download some of the old stuff, you know, the early house music stuff. We could get a quite a lot on one cd with decent compression.

Thomas and Margaret wait a few moments, then the song they’ve just down loaded begins to play via the MP3 player Thomas was fiddling with. Margaret turns up the music and they start to dance energetically.

Scene 10 (int) The front room of an old cottage (Night)

Edith is sitting in front of a large fire. She has a large mug of tea and a plate of biscuits.

Edith
Of course they don’t think of all the other things do they Percy? Look at our Janey, got those two plastic hips now. Weren’t even allowed hips when I was a girl, never mind plastic ones. And these women, going off on holiday and going in pubs on their own, there was none of that, ay Percy? Only one kind of woman went in a pub in my day. Got yourself a reputation, going in pubs. I think I would have liked a reputation, not all bad, as I remember. Especially looking back. In those days a lady never left the house without a hat, what a scandal that would have caused. All over a silly little piece of material and a few feathers. Not just hats of course, gloves as well. What a waste, all those people fretting their days away being correct and proper. All those years spent worrying about what the neighbours thought. What the neighbours would say. And now it all just seems like a load of bollocks.

She holds up a chocolate chip cookie and a large green parrot reaches down and takes it.

Percy
Thank you.

Edith
Now of course they’ve got this super highway. That’ll be good, the roads have never been very good around here. When I was a girl it took the best part of a day to get to London on the train. Well, that’s some thing that hasn’t changed then. Actually, when I was a girl trains hadn’t been invented, but you know what I mean. People are always going on about the good old days. I’m looking forward to the future. Imagine how different things will be in another fifty years. Three D tele, that’s what I’m looking forward to. And robots that bring you tea and biscuits, That’ll be nice. There’s a bit of a draught in here Percy, where’s that coming from?

Percy
Behind you!

She looks over her shoulder.

Edith
Silly me, I’ve left the door open.

Edith waves her hand in the air towards the door and the door gently closes.

Edith
Now, where have I left Comfy? Oh, there he is, under the chair. Comfy, come on do your stuff. She gestures with a half-eaten biscuit in her hand.

A tatty draught excluder in the shape of a dachsund lifts its head and looks around. Then slowly it animates and marches across to the door, stopping in place at the foot of the door.

Edith
That’s better, soon have the place snug and warm ready for Match of the Day. What do you say Percy?

Percy
Lovely!

Edith
Now, where’s my charm box, have to do something about Vicky’s leg. It’s getting better, but I could tell it wasn’t right. People are so funny with illness these day’s. When was young if you sneezed once it was straight to bed. Mind, they didn’t have aunty biotricks in them days.

She reaches over to the table beside her and pulls an old biscuit tin on to her lap. Inside are various woven, vaguely human shaped items. She sorts through them and picks one out.

Edith
Ahh, here we are. Now let’s see.

She begins to rub the doll, eyes slightly out of focus.

Scene 11 (int) The lounge of a large high income house (night)

Stewart is tied to a chair with silk scarves. Vicky stands in front of him, one hand on her dressing gown belt.

Vicky
Come on, stop stalling and answer the question. No answer, no nookie.

Stewart
I’m thinking, give me time. It’s not easy with you standing there dressed like that.

Vicky
If you don’t hurry I’ll start getting dressed again.

Stewart
Ok. Ok. Thirty percent. No wait Forty Percent?

Vicky
Umm, Forty percent? Close enough

She undoes her dressing gown and slips out of it. Underneath she is wearing a leather bra and pants and fishnet tights.

Vicky
Right, for the bra. Let’s see, yes I know, what percentage of businesses don’t have an internet presence? I’ll give you a 5 percent margin of error either way.

Stewart
Oh, I know this one, I read it in Business monthly a few days ago. Er, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh what was it?

Vicky
(Undoing the bra but not letting it fall.) Come on, you know you want to. No pressure but I’m getting cold.

Stewart
(With a sigh) I don’t know what you see in me. You could have any man you want. Yet you come into my life, turn my business around from virtual bankruptcy, turn me into one of the richest men I know and you’re still here. You’ve already got half the business, you’re probably richer than I am. Why do you stay?

Vicky
Because if I walk into a board room and suggest a way to take over our biggest rival for practically no risk and at a huge profit to ourselves, all the men in there would look straight at my tits and go deaf. You walk in there and suggest the same thing and people move, very quickly. Besides, you’ve got two or three major assets that keep me interested, Mr meat and two veg. Now, nice try, trying to change the subject, good business plan when things are going wrong. But answer the question, or don’t you want these?

Stewart
Yes, of course I do. What was the question again?

Vicky
No wonder you were going bust. Concentrate! What percentage of businesses do not have an internet presence?

Stewart
(Struggling in his bonds) I’ll be going bust in a minute, when I get out of these scarves.

Vicky
You won’t get out of those, I was a girl guide you know. It’s not just boy scouts who learn about knots.

Stewart
But what about the future? You’ve got your life in front of you, mine’s winding down. I’ve got most of the things I ever wanted, you’ve still got dreams to pursue.

Vicky walks over to the chair and hugs Stewart.

Vicky
Don’t worry about the future. This isn’t business, not me and you. Yes, we play these games, but in the end it comes down to us, having fun now. Let tomorrow look after it’s self.

She kisses him on the head, then steps back with a sigh.

Vicky
Now, answer the question.

Stewart
Are you sure you’re up to this with your leg?

Vicky
Oh yes, it’s much better now. Besides, I don’t intend being on my legs for much longer, if somebody hurries up and answers the bloody question.

Scene 12 (int) The attic of a suburban house (night)

Richard and Kate are in the attic. It’s quite bright and neat, with several carefully labelled cardboard boxes stacked floor to roof and several deep under the eaves.

Richard
We’re really going to have to sort out all this charity stuff one day. The ceiling’s going to collapse if we bring any more stuff up here.

Kate
I know. But if we just give it away as it is a lot of it will go to jumble, and it’s too good for that. Some of those things will fetch at least ten pounds in the right place. We’ll be lucky to get a pound at a jumble sale.

Richard
Yes, I know what you mean.

Kate opens a box and picks through the contents in desultory fashion.

Richard
(Smiles mischievously) Katie, shall we play with our new toy?

Kate
Did you get him today? You said you didn’t have time!

Richard
I thought I wouldn’t have, but I did, and then I thought I’d surprise you.

Kate
Aaah Richie! You’re so nice. Yes, hurry up I can’t wait to see him.

Richard opens a secret panel into a large cupboard. Inside are shelves of stuffed animals, mostly cats, but some dogs, a few birds and a large tortoise. These are all pets that have gone missing in the neighbourhood over the years. Richard pulls a ginger cat out of the cupboard. It is the cat we saw at the beginning on the lost and found poster.

Kate
Oh wow, he looks lovely, so cute. Look at his little bow! I think as it’s his first night here, he should choose what to play. What do you think he’d like to do?

Richard
Perhaps he’d like to dress up and play with Sasha?

Kate
Yeah! I bet he wants to be a footballer. (She reaches into a cardboard box and pulls out a small pair shorts.)

Richard
Good idea, Sasha will love that.

Kate grabs a white Persian cat dressed in a spangled boob tube and tu-tu. She hugs it and strokes it.

Kate
My name’s sasha, I’m from Persia, which is about five doors up on the left.

Richard
(Imitating a tom cat) Hello Sasha, my name’s Tigger and I play football.

Kate
(Imitating a female cat) Hello Tigger, did you say ball, I like that word.

Richard
I’m good at playing with my ball, I can keep it up for hours.

Kate
Oooh that’s good, because I like to watch men playing with their balls.

Richard
Would you like to watch my friend as well? He’s got a really big one.

Kate
Yes please, I love a man with a really big one.

Richard reaches into the cupboard and pulls out a Yorkshire terrier with a huge ball in its mouth.

Richard
(Imitating a Yorkshire terrier) Hello, my name’s fluffy. I like to be shampooed, go for long walks and have cheap, meaningless sex with people’s shins.

Kate
Wow, that’s one big ball you’ve got there. I hope the rest of you is in proportion.

Richard
Why don’t you put you head down there and have a look?

Kate
Wait a minute, there are two males and only one of me. I like a nice threesome, but I like to play with birds as well.

Richard pulls a tatty budgie out of the cupboard.

Richard
(Imitating a budgie) Hello, I’m Tweety, I’m very mature and I know all the tricks, you wouldn't believe where I’ve had my head.

Kate
Hello Tweety, I’m a cat and I want to gobble you.

Richard
(Yorkshire terrier) Oooh me first, me first.

Richard and Kate then begin to simulate sex between the stuffed animals, in various positions. The animals end up with their front legs against the attic wall, the male cat mounting the female from behind, and the Yorkshire terrier behind them. The budgie is nowhere to be seen. The camera pulls back and Richard and Kate are in the same position, naked except for the genuine cat collars they are wearing. There are budgie feathers sticking out of Richard’s buttocks.

Scene 13 (int) The attic of a suburban house (night)

The camera carries on through the wall to reveal the attic of the house with the twitching curtains. The neighbour is sitting with his back to the wall Richard and Kate are having sex against. He is filling in a note book with the days events in it. There are a small pair of binoculars around his neck, and a larger pair on the table. A television sits on a rack above hundreds of video tapes. The screen shows Margaret and Thomas waving to their grand children. The camera moves to the tapes and focuses on the early ones, which go back seventeen years.

Scene 14 (ext) A row of suburban shops (day)

Kate is walking towards the shops, she stops to talk to Thomas and Margaret, who are carrying loaded carrier bags. Danielle Allsop is just walking away in the background.

Kate
Hello, Tom, Margaret. You alright?

Margaret
Yes thanks.

Thomas
Lovely thanks, and you?

Kate
Yes, I’m alright. (Moves closer and lowers her voice) Did you see Danielle? Huge black eye. Said she’d done it on a cupboard door but, well, it’s not very likely is it?

Margaret
I know what you mean. Did you see him the other night, coming home drunk again? Then there was lots of shouting and it suddenly went quiet. It’s almost every night now, I don’t know where they get the money.

Thomas
Funny though, I saw them this morning and they were all over each other, almost obscene.

Kate
I don’t know what she sees in him, I wouldn’t let a man knock me around, not more than once at least.

Margaret
(Smiling) Me neither. I think I’m safe with him though, he’s too old to be dangerous.

Thomas
Charming! Just wait ‘til I get you home!

Margaret
(Laughing) Promises, promises!

Melissa walks by, looking sad.

Kate
Still not come home then?

Melissa
(Shakes her head)

Margaret
Never mind, he’ll be back soon, I’m sure.

Thomas
Yes, he can’t have gone far.

Kate
(To Margaret and Thomas) Poor thing, it’s such a shame…

Fade to credits


- Copyright Steve Dean