The Realities of Co-habiting with Alien Species

SCENE 1: INT DAY STORAGE ROOM

Paul Marks, Sarah Wildgust, Zoë Pettle, and Olive Hawks-Ball are in a 10 metre square room gathered around a large plastic crate that has obviously just arrived and been opened. The walls are plastic and obviously moulded in one piece. Various everyday objects are being placed on shelves around the room by a small, black cube shaped robot, Dice.

Zoë Pettle.

(Reaching into the crate with one hand, holding a clipboard with the other.) Right, That’s the basics out of the way, what else have we got. Videos. "All nude hang gliding." I’d say that one's yours. Hands it to Paul Marks and ticks item off on clipboard.

Paul

Great, I’ve been waiting for this, man. (Reads from packaging.) "A thrill a minute ride as contestants battle against time and the elements to retain some dignity in this new Olympic sport. All the crashes, all the smashes, all the assess, in full close-up!" Yes! (Grins widely.)

Zoë

Next, we have "The semi-colon in eighteenth century literature" That'll be yours Sarah. Hands it to Sarah Wildgust. (Ticks clipboard.)

Sarah

Excellent. A little light viewing for Sunday morning. You know, people take punctuation far too lightly. People have died so we can use the question mark. It was banned by some religions as being too suggestive.

Zoë

Is that true?

Sarah

(Giving Zoë a withering look) If I said it, it must be.

Zoë

And another video, an Eighteen Certificate, "I'm better than you." Saying nothing she hands the video to Olive Hawks-Ball (Ticks clipboard and writes note.)

Olive

(Smiling broadley.) Thank you dear. And can I just say how efficiently you distribute these items. Always timely, with the greatest respect, without judging or bringing into question the foibles and mannerisms of others.

Zoë.

Thank you Olive, it’s nice to be appreciated. And finally, one for me. (She quickly puts the video into her bag.)

Paul.

What did you get Zo?

Zoë.

Oh, just a film, you wouldn't like it. Anyway, let's see what we have in the specials section.

Sarah.

What have we actually ordered?

Zoë

Well, remember how we were getting a bit fed up of peas with every meal, so we ordered some baked beans, and they sent more peas? Well this time I've ordered peas, so there should be some beans in here (rummages in crate, lifts out package and checks it against her list.)...No, cartoon character novelty condoms. Well they'll certainly come in handy.

Paul

You don't put them on your hand Zo, not unless...

Sarah

You're not funny Paul.

Paul slumps his shoulders.

Zoë

(putting cross on clipboard.) That’s one down. And I sent for some toilet cleaner, a dozen light bulbs and some air fresheners. (Looks at Paul.)

Olive

And what delights did our elders and betters deign to send we mere mortals this time?

Paul

She means what did we get, I think.

Zoë

One hundred pairs of lurid purple socks...a small photocopier...and...one propelling pencil. (Holding up last item.) That’s not even close.

Olive

It appears to be only the specials that have gone awry. We always get the basics, after all none of us are starving or lacking essentials.

Paul

Yes, but it depends on what you mean by essential. We’re a long way from home, and I feel some comforts are essential. For instance, where would we be without my odour-eaters and that neutralising spray for the toilet?

Olive

In a different building to you, I suspect.

Zoë

We really are going to have to do something about it. I mean, how can anyone organise anything properly when we can’t even get what we need? I mean, look at this. (Holds out clipboard.) The cover’s loose, the clip is barely springy enough and there’s nowhere to put the pen!

Sarah

You think that’s bad. I’ve read my entire collection of encyclopaedias four of five times already, and we’ve only been here two months. If I don’t get some new books soon I’ll have to re-read the books I wrote myself.

Olive

You youngsters. You should think of this as a challenge. I remember when I was first posted to the diplomatic mission on mars. We didn’t even have toilets, and I can tell you mars rock is pretty cold.

Paul

(Jumping in before Olive can take a breath) Do you think it’s deliberate, or just a random mix up? Or do you think there’s some bloke sat in a store room somewhere, some old git who’s been forgotten by the management and is taking out his frustration on us?

Zoë

There aren’t many humans working nowadays, except the essential middle management positions of course. So I don’t think it’s deliberate, I think it’s all done by computer.

Paul

Well there you go then, computers can screw things up big time without the need for human intervention.

Sarah

You know, I’ve been thinking, if this is all done by a computer, then it must have a program running on it. If we could somehow write our own program, to cross reference all the things ordered and all things actually received, I’m sure we could get what we wanted every time.

Paul

I’ll get to it as soon as I have a spare moment.

Sarah

You will? I thought it had fallen in my court. It was my idea.

Paul

What do you know about programming? I thought you were into alien sex and all that?

Sarah

It’s not just about sex.

Zoë

(stepping in) Now, Paul, you could write the actual code, and between you, you could correlate the data, come up with some ideas each, o.k? I tell you, it would be luxury to have a proper pencil sharpener.

SCENE 2: INT. DAY THE KITCHEN.

Paul, Zoë and Sarah are stood around the gleaming chrome kitchen. It is a long room with a table and chairs at one end, in front of a wide window through which can be seen an alien landscape. These three are looking in cupboards or brandishing knives. Olive is sat at the large kitchen table reading a book entitled "Robert Stout's guide to interpreting handshakes." A radio plays typical 70’s music in the background over a slight static hiss.

Zoë.

So, our first co-habitant arrives later today, and I thought we could cook him a welcome meal. Sarah has looked up the relevant info, recipes and such, so all we need to do is get the ingredients out of the freezer and whip up a feast. I'll shout them off the list and you get them out Paul.

Paul.

(His head appears from inside a large freezer) Not likely, it’s bloody freezing in here. Oh, I see what you mean. Ok, let it rip.

Zoë and Sarah are studying a full colour guide to native cuisine of the planet "Bluinfrn".

Zoë.

(Leafing through a large pad of paper.) According to the inventory, there's a pack on shelf ‘six red’ marked "regular lomlom" bring that out.

Paul disappears then emerges with a cubic pack of long grey objects.

Paul.

Here we are, regular lomlom. They look just like a load of donkey’s plonkers. I wonder what an irregular lomlom looks like?

Zoë takes the pack and sets it on the worktop. The pack is soon opened and the grey objects laid out on a chopping board.

Paul

You know, I’ve heard that these Bluinfrns have their genitals on the inside, like our own lizards. So you can’t tell by looking whether you’ve got a bloke or a woman. It says in the log that they are sending a male, but how will we know we’ve got the right one?

Zoë

We’ll hardly fail to notice a two metre blue reptile Paul. It’s not as if someone can impersonate one is it? Be in the landing bay at six, I’ll be wearing a pink carnation so you’ll recognise me.

Sarah

Besides, you’re just illustrating the whole point of this project, finding out the truth about each other and not just believing myth and gossip. If you must know, the females are four times bigger than the males, and so aren’t suitable for this particular project.

Paul

You mean the poor bloke has to hump a thing eight metres tall? Poor bugger. I’ve seen some rough trade in my time, but fancy waking up next to a twenty four foot lizard. It’s enough to turn anyone to celibacy and sobriety!

Olive (From behind book.)

Heaven forbid.

Zoë

Yes, but imagine being able to hump a female four times your size.

Paul

Umm, I never thought of that, he must be hung like a coach load of porn stars.

Sarah

You see, now you’re doing it Zoë. For your information their sexual organs stay on the inside. To facilitate fertilisation, the male and female simple place their genital openings together. (Gestures two rings coming together)

Paul

Oh, I thought they were like us, and that his wanger came popping out like some emergency life raft. (Mimes something inflating)

Zoë

Can we get back to the cooking now please? I think we’ve had enough of that particular subject.

Sarah.

(Reading from the book.) Take a few lomlom for each person and cut lengthways into finger thick pieces.

Paul

Is that our fingers or theirs? We don’t want to get it wrong on the first day. What if they’ve got huge fingers like pork sausages, or tiny thin ones like pencils? Or maybe he has hands like Swiss army knives, each finger does a different job.(Holds his own fingers at various angles.) This one is for de-scaling fish, this one for picking his nose, this one for removing boy scouts from horses hooves...

Zoë

I don’t really think that matters, as long as they are even and cook properly, and look good on the plate.

Sarah

It’s a translation isn’t it, so whomever translated it converted the units of measurement too. It’s obvious, if you’ve got an ounce of sense.

Paul picks up a long knife and chops down on the board. By now the lomlom has defrosted somewhat and rolls out of the way. He picks it up and tries again. This time it squirms and wriggles away along the counter. The kitchen goes quiet as the lomlom crawls the length of the worktop and disappears behind some utensils.

Paul

I thought they were vegetables?

Zoë

Me too. How did it stay alive in the freezer all this time?

Sarah

Long term hibernation, possibly some kind of chemically induced sleep rather than the traditional temperature enforced torpor of cold blooded creatures. It would be interesting to study a few of them. It could just be a chemical reaction of course, no intelligence needed for that. Look at male sperm for a good example of that. Of course animals such as our tortoises aren’t actually asleep, you know, their bodies slow down due to the cold...

Paul

(cutting her off in mid flow.) Shouldn't we catch it before it grows to two metres long over-night and starts ambushing us in the air vents and laying eggs in the showers? Can I be the one? You know, the one that always survives to be rescued. And as the ship lifts off there’d be a close-up of my face through a window, all dirty and bruised, but with a slight smile just creasing my lips.

Sarah

You watch far too much television, you should try reading a book for once. And a real one with paper pages, not one of these E book things with moving pictures and sound effects. These walls conduct sound very well you know.

Paul and Zoë both fidget nervously.

Zoë

Come on, it’s only a vegetable, I think we can handle one vegetable. With a little team work, all pulling together, and some organisation, it’s as good as ours.

Zoë walks over to the utensils rack and gingerly lifts a few out of the way. The lomlom makes a dash for the door, catching Zoë by surprise. Paul, Zoë and Sarah run after it. Olive doesn't even stop reading.

SCENE 3: INT. DAY VARIOUS CORRIDORS AND ROOMS

Paul Sarah and Zoë stalk the escaped vegetable down plastic-walled corridors with various hi-tech flashing lights at regular intervals. They finally corner it in the shower room, another pre-fabricated unit with two shower cubicles and a few lockers. Paul grabs a back scrubber to use as a weapon. The lomlom feints left, then dashes between their legs. Paul slams his foot down on the lomlom, trapping it. Triumphantly he holds up the vegetable, which is now limp and dripping a yellow liquid.

Zoë

Well, we can't feed him that one can we. Never mind, there are plenty left.

SCENE 4: INT. DAY THE KITCHEN

Paul, Zoë and Sarah enter to find Olive still sitting in her chair reading, and the chair being carried across the kitchen by several dozen lomlom.

Paul

Shall we let them take her?

Zoë

Better not, they'll make a right mess.

Sarah

It would be interesting to see if it’s the chair they are attracted to, or the human flesh.

Zoë

(closing the kitchen door.) I don’t think that matters right now. What we need to do is round them all up before any of them escape. Paul, you go left, Sarah right. We'll cut them out one at a time, then two of us can hold them whilst the other chops.

The three approach the chair on tip-toe.

Paul

(quietly) Come by, come by! Hold them, hold them, Good lad.

SCENE 5: INT. LATER ON THE SAME DAY THE KITCHEN

A large pan is turning slowly in the microwave.

Paul is slumped in a chair, exhausted. His feet are resting on the black cube of the house robot.

Paul

Well, I don’t think people would be so keen on eating vegetables if they had to kill their own.

Olive laughs from behind her book. Zoë and Sarah just groan.

Zoë

Are we sure everything is ready? Paul, have you checked his room, made sure its all neat and clean? Sarah, cameras ready? Olive, speech written?

Paul, Sarah, and Olive

Yes!

Sarah

Zoë, relax. We’ve checked everything and checked it again. Besides, we’re all in this together. If something goes wrong when he arrives, he’ll just have to pitch in and help.

Zoë

(Looks at Paul) What about Dice?

Paul

(Defensively) There’s nothing wrong with Dice.

Zoë

So this morning’s little incident didn’t happen?

Paul

That was this morning, I‘ve fixed him since. Besides, there was no harm done.

Zoë

No harm! It made a hole in the quiet room wall the size of Olive’s ego! And for what, what particular alien threat did it perceive? A herd of marauding crocowolves? A giant bear-bird trying to break in through the ceiling? No, it was a butterbee, a creature with the size and killer instinct of your wit.

Paul

It’s not my fault, the assembly instructions have been photocopied so many times I can’t make out what it says. It shows the threat module, but I can’t see which way it goes, it physically fits on three or four different ways you see. I don’t know if I had it on upside down or what. And then I dropped it. It didn’t break. I’m fairly certain I got it right this time. Call it an educated guess.

Zoë

You guessed? We are about to play host to an intergalactic visitor and you guessed! (Sighs, throws her hands in the air and counts to ten.) It’s working properly now though?

Paul

Well, I’m not sure.

Zoë

I’m sorry? Not sure, when will you be sure?

Paul

Well, when he’s been tested, I suppose.

Zoë

So what do you suggest we do? There are hardly any intelligent life forms we can try it out on are there? Whoops we’ve blow that one to bits, can you send us another one please.

Paul

Relax, he’ll be fine, honest. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

SCENE 6: INT. DAY LANDING BAY

The landing bay is a large metallic cube about fifty metres to a side. There are large doors in the north wall and a large hatch in the ceiling letting in a greenish light. Paul, Zoë and Sarah are standing in a line dressed in formal wear. They all show signs of nervousness. A few paces ahead Olive is pacing back and forth mumbling her welcome speech. She is dressed in a grey designer suit and silk scarf, with black shoes so shiny they sparkle.

Zoë

I hope that robot is under control, we can’t risk losing our first alien. It would see the end of all our careers.

Paul

Relax, I’ve shut him in the workshop, out of harms way.

Zoë

Good, so it’s locked safely away.

Paul

Well, not locked away, because there’s no lock on the workshop door. But he’s only a robot, he can’t open the door, no hands.

Zoë

Let’s hope you’re right, for once.

Sarah

You could have asked my advice you know, languages are my speciality, well, one of them.

Paul

Look, it’s the manual, it’s all dark and difficult to make out. I think they photocopied it and then faxed the sheets into the next office then sent them out here. It’s not as if the thing’s written in a foreign language, it’s perfectly good Far Eastern English. If it was at all legible, and not just a series of black blobs, a child of ten could understand it

Sarah

You should have no trouble then, that is about your mental age.

Zoë

(groans) Imagine the headlines. ‘Human race wiped out over war caused by cheap fax paper.’

A computer voice announces the arrival of a space craft, and the hatch peels open in the roof. A huge phallic ship descends into the bay with the sound of a loud Ferrari engine. As it lands, we can see it is fire red with go faster stripes in chrome, and has over sized fins. Once on the ground, a door opens half way up and a platform appears, extruding into a balcony. A figure steps onto the balcony. He is wearing a designer space suit in red, white and puce. With an imperious wave to the humans, the balcony descends the length of the ship and deposits the alien on the landing bay floor. He is tall, and vaguely reptilian.

Olive approaches, offering her hand to the alien. "Welcome, Pantsagral Humour to our modest home, here on the planet Maxine. My name is Olive Hawks-ball, diplomatic relations. We sincerely hope your stay here will be a pleasant one and we look forward to a long and rewarding relationship with you as a representative of your people. If there is anything I can do..."

Pantsagral Ummmma.

Thanks boy. (He gives Olive a star shaped coin.) There's another one of those in it for you if you get my luggage all in one go. And it's Pan...tsg...rl Ummmm...ahhhh. Now where's the action?

Olive

(forcing a smile) If I may, I’d like to introduce you to your other co-habitants. This is Miss Zoë Pettle, the station manager.

Zoë

Nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to working with you. I have lots of interesting questions to ask you, as I’m sure you have of us. If you need anything or have a problem please let me know and I’ll do my best to help.

Pantsagral

Yeah the same to you. What are they, you ill or something? (prods Zoë’s left breast)

Zoë (Calmly)

No, that’s a breast. Adult human females have those, usually in twos. We use them for feeding our young.

Pantsagral

You’re female? I heard you was small, but I thought that was just Bof. So how do you mate, your gash must be... (Holds hands out to indicate size)

Olive

(Moving the alien quickly along) And this is Miss Sarah Wildgust. She’s our exobiologist, among other things.

Sarah

Hello, it’s a pleasure and may I say, (Complex alien phrase)

Pantsagral

Well thank you. I may take you up on that offer. Hope you brought plenty of lubricant. (Alien equivalent of grin)

Olive

And finally, Mr Paul Marks. Technician and computer whizz.

Paul

How’s it hanging? Oh, sorry, it doesn’t does it. It’s sort of (Makes a gesture of something being shoved into a hole)

There is a moment of silence, then the alien bursts out laughing.

Pantsagral

I think I’m going to like this one.

Olive.

Now, I know you’ve come a long way, quite literally, and would like to get your bearings, and perhaps freshen up before we bombard you with questions. I’m certain we’ll have a very lively discussion around the table tonight. We've prepared a modest supper for you, nothing too fancy but I know you'll like it. And then we can have a chat, get to know each other a little better and get this show on the road properly. Intergalactic peace and good will and all that. Paul here will show you to your room, and around the complex, make sure you know where all the fire exits are etc, etc. Paul, over to you.

SCENE 7 INT. DAY CORRIDORS OUTSIDE THE PRIVATE QUARTERS.

Paul

This Way Pantsagral, or can I call you Pants? It’s not much but it’s got everything for your basic needs.

Pantsagral

Is that human always so stiff? I thought he was going to break something.

Paul

That’s just Olive, She’s a bit uptight sometimes. Takes her job too seriously.

Pantsagral

That’s female? She’s nothing like the other two.

Paul

No, she’s old, in her forties, which is old for a human.

Pantsagral

Forty? Bof! I’d be dead already if I was forty.

Paul

Well how old are you then? 

Pantsagral

In our years, I’ll be ten next hatching day.

Paul

Ten? I was still at school when I was ten. I think your years must be longer than ours. Right, this is your room Pants.

Opens a door and shows Pantsagral a box room with a fold up bed and some alien devices attached to the puce walls. In one corner is a box of grey sand.

Paul

You’ve got your ultraviolet light, your sandpit thing, your bed, and so on. There is also some kind of atmosphere adjuster for when you are here alone. I think we breath similar gases, but in different proportions, so Sarah says anyway, and she seems to know.

Pantsagral

Not exactly spacious. But I suppose we aren’t here for that. Which one’s yours?

Paul

Mine’s across the way. (Walks over and opens the door opposite)

This room is similar in dimension but almost hidden by posters, crisp packets, photos, pin-ups and other reminds-me-of-home type stuff.

Pantsagral

Bof! Porn! How did you get that through, they searched me top to bottom. (Points to poster on wall of Godzilla looking down on a crowd of men)

Paul

Oh, no that’s just a film poster, nothing sexual about that.

Pantsagral

You sure, looks very sexy to me?

Paul

Yes Pants, it’s just a poster, a science fiction thing we have on Earth.

Pantsagral

(Shakes his head) You humans sure are going to take some getting used to.

SCENE 8: INT. DAY DINING ROOM

Paul, Zoë, Sarah, Olive and Pantsagral are gathered around the Table. The lomlom dinner is steaming on it.

Pantsagral

Ah, no burger and chips then. I was really looking forward to a nice earth meat burger with a hint of seasoning, and a few dozen golden chips, lightly seasoned with salt and rancid wine. It looks like I’ll just have to make do with these.

He stabs a piece of lomlom with his knife, wraps his long tongue around the food and pulls it into his mouth.
Zoë’s eyes widen and a slight smile crinkles her lips.

Pantsagral.

As lomlom goes, which isn't far enough in my opinion, that was pretty crappy. I don't know were you got your info from, but lomlom isn't that popular on bluinfrn.

Paul.

They probably got it cheap Pants, that's why there's so much of it.

Pantsagral.

Great! Well, we can always feed it to the next arrivals.

Paul laughs.

Paul

I’ll make you a nice fried breakfast in the morning, Pants, with all the trimmings, show you a real earth meal.

Pantsagral

So, tell me about the rest of our little grope. I know there are equal aliens to humans. So three more aliens to go.

Sarah

Actually no. I’m only here for tonight as an introduction, you won’t see much of me from today. But I’ll be watching you, and reporting back my observations. As will the other groups. (Stresses last word)

Pantsagral

Right, so two more. Tell me what you’ve heard.

Paul

(jumping in quickly) Our next arrival is from the planet ‘Whissississ’ or how ever you say it. Which I’m told just means Earth. Apparently she is of small build but with huge knockers.

Pantsagral

Knockers?

Paul

Yes, you know, boobs, jugs, whammers, melons.

Zoë

Breasts, Pantsagral, he means breasts.

Pantsagral

Oh, we don’t have those, and frankly I can’t see the attraction, lumps of flesh sticking out and getting in the way. However do you lie down with those things hanging in the way? I’d sure like to see you two running around naked, those things flopping and bouncing around, that would be funny.

Paul

Yes, me too. I don’t think I’d be laughing though

Zoë

(looking at Paul) Don’t even think about it.

Paul

Too late, much too late.

Pantsagral

Did I say something wrong? Is it taboo to speak of Knockers at the table.

Olive

No dear boy, not at all. After all we are here to learn. We don’t want any misunderstandings. Now, personally, I prefer them about as big as I can fit in my mouth, but I know . . . What?

Zoë gives her a look.

Olive

Lomlom, I mean, we are talking lomlom now, aren’t we?

Pantsagral

So, let’s get back to knockers and small aliens. Paul, you were saying?

Paul

Yes, small, sort of humanoid with these thre’pnies-I’ll explain later-and instead of hair they have feathers, a bit like our native birds. Apparently, if she doesn’t chew on something every hour she’ll die. So I can’t wait for her to get here.

Paul and Olive grin lasciviously. The other females share a look. Pantsagral looks blank.

Pause.

Pantsagral

What about the next one?

Paul

Now, he is a member of the first race of aliens to be discovered by us. Actually, they found us. A very old race, lots of technology as well and apparently very strong, very physical. But also very intelligent. The sort who can lift crates with one hand and play chess with the other.

Zoë sighs. Then quickly recovers.

Pantsagral

Plays with chests, you mean knockers?

Olive

No, no my friend. It’s a board game. More than a game, more an art form. A playing out of the field of battle in miniature. Move and counter-move, thrust and parry back and forth across the chequered landscape.

Looks up proudly with a far away look in her eye.

Sarah

I didn’t know you played Olive, we should get together sometime and have a tussle.

Olive

(Raises an eyebrow) Nothing would give me greater pleasure my dear.

Pantsagral

Do you think I could join in? It all sounds great. And if this new boy is so keen we could start a club.

Paul laughs.

Sarah

(Ignoring Paul) Yes, we could have a league, and the one at the top would take on all comers.

Paul guffaws. The rest turn towards him questioningly.

Paul

Sorry, I was thinking about tussling. It must mean something else where I come from.

Zoë

The gutter isn’t it? That’s where your mind always seems to be.

Pantsagral

Tell me something, this planet is called Maxine right, where does that come from?

Zoë

It was named by the captain of the deep space vessel that discovered it. Maxine was his wife’s sister’s name.

Pantsagral

I could have come up with something better, like ‘greenish mud ball in the middle of nowhere.’

Olive

Well that’s just the thing you see my friend. If the planet we were sent to was all panoramic vistas and exotic creatures in rainbow colours we’d spend too much time looking and not enough time really interacting and melding ourselves into a synergistic entity.

Sarah

Well said Olive.

Olive

Thank you my dear. Just trying to keep up the standards.

Pantsagral

You warmies have been here quite a while then?

Zoë

Warmies?

Pantsagral

Yes, that’s just a name we’ve given you, it’s not disrespectful in any way, just a bit of fun. I’m sure you’ve come up with just as many as we have.

Paul

We certainly have, a few dozen I think, but scale-dick is my favourite. (Hastily adds after a look from Olive.) But of course I know now that that’s not accurate, so I won’t be using that any more.

Sarah

To answer your question, yes, we’ve been here since October, that’s eight weeks and fours days, earth time, and sixty six local days.

Pantsagral

Whilst we are on the subject, if dick means what I think it means, Paul, what’s it like having your genitals on the outside, isn’t it sort of dangerous?

Paul

Well, it can be a bit risky, especially if you really upset a woman. But I think it’s more then made up for by oral sex. I’m prepared to take the risk for a little mouth organ practice.

Pantsagral

Sorry, I must be missing something.

Paul

You know, a bit of head nodding, kissing the helmet. . . You wouldn’t understand I suppose. You really don’t know what you’re missing.

Sarah

It’s highly over-rated in my opinion.

Zoë

Oh, I don’t know. (then adding quickly,) So, what time of the year is it on your planet Pantsagral?

Pantsagral takes a deep breath and lets out a huge sneeze.

Pantsagral.

Wow, I think I might be allergic to you people.

He sneezes again, louder. The skin over his entire face peels off and inflates slightly.

Pantsagral.

Oops, sorry people, I didn't realise I was due to moult. Must be the air or something.

He pulls the skin away from his head and examines it.

Pantsagral.

Hey, here's something you'll enjoy, especially you Paul.

He proceeds to remove his entire skin without removing any clothing, then triumphantly stands with it by his side, like a second Pantsagral. Paul claps loudly. The others smile but look a little nauseous. Pantsagral is now a vivid matt blue.

Sarah.

(trying not to look too closely) What will you do with the skin now?

Pantsagral.

Well, we believe it is part of ourselves, but a part that is no longer attached, like a separate us, that was, but now isn't of ourselves. I'll take it to my room and wrap it in sacred ololol leaves, then pack it away until I can return home.

Sarah.

That's fascinating. We humans don't shed our skin, well not all at once.

Pantsagral.

Well what does it do then?

Sarah.

It just flakes away, like dust. In fact most household dust is made of human skin.

Pantsagral.

Ughhhh! You mean the thin layer of grime over the surfaces in my room is bits of you people? That’s quite disgusting.

Zoë

(to Paul) You said you’d cleaned it.

Paul

I did, it’s spotless in there.

Pantsagral

Sorry, I was only gagging, I don’t want to get anyone into trouble.

There is a scrambling sound outside the door, then the handle slowly turns. Dice enters the room and heads straight for Pantsagral, who has his back to the robot.

Zoë

(Suddenly remembering) Pantsagral, Come and see our kitchen, it’s a marvel of human technology.

She grabs Pantsagral’s hand and before he can complain she pulls him to his feet and moves towards the kitchen door. She gives Paul an urgent look.

Paul stands and moves hesitantly towards Dice. Dice whirrs inside and a panel slides open on the top. Paul changes his mind and dives under the table. Dice trundles after the retreating form of Pantsagral. Sarah rushes around the table towards it. Olive is sitting stunned, obviously out of her depth with violent situations
.
SCENE 9 INT. DAY THE KITCHEN

Zoë

(Filling in awkwardly) Now, Pantsagral, this is a microwave oven, not actually an oven in actual fact, just a relic of ancient Earth language.

Pantsagral

That’s fascinating Zoë, but we do have those on Bluifrn. Can I get back to my food?

Off camera, the sound of voices and crashing furniture.

Zoë

The observatory! Yes, up the stairs to the observatory. Come on, it’s a lovely view up there. (Taking Pantsagral’s hand) It’s the only part of the complex above one storey you know.

SCENE 10 INT. DAY THE OBSERVATORY.

Zoë pulls Pantsagral out of the kitchen, along a corridor, up some stairs into a geodesic dome on top of the building. There is a grey mist surrounding the dome, making visibility almost zero.

Zoë

Oh, er, it’s only a bit of mist, I’m sure it will lift in a few minutes, it does that sometimes. One minute there, next minute puff! Gone.

Pantsagral

I don’t pretend to know what’s going on here, I don’t think I’ve been here long enough to judge you people, but something not right is happening. I’m just going to go back to my food, if that’s alright with you?

Zoë

(Points into the mist.) Look, what was that? Did you see it, a blue spotted humming tortoise. They’re quite rare you know. Especially the flying ones.

Pantsagral

(Squinting into the mist.) I didn’t see anything, but our eyes aren’t as good as you human’s, so they say. (makes a move towards the stairs.)

A strange sound reaches their ears from the bottom of the stairs. They both freeze.

A clumping noise begins, slow and rhythmic, and a sound like someone straining and breathing loudly.

Dice comes into view, walking up the steps with clown-like feet. As Dice gets higher, Paul is seen hanging from his back and desperately trying to reach for a red button under the top panel marked ‘override’. As

Dice reaches the top of the stairs, Sarah appears hanging on to Paul’s belt with one hand and Dice with the other. Finally, Olive appears, clasped around Sarah’s waist with her face pressed against her backside, a hint of a smile on her lips.

Zoë pushes Pantsagral behind her to shield him with her body.

Dice moves inexoribly forwards, the three humans being dragged with ease across the observatory floor.
Paul stretches his finger towards the button as Dice stops next to Zoë and extends an arm, flinging her out of the way.

Close-up of Paul’s finger reaching the button. He presses it. A little red light goes out, but Dice carries on.

An arm appears out of Dice and flips towards Pantsagral. A small fly swatter flicks out and taps him on the thigh. Dice then extrudes a jar and pushes it against Pantsagral, obviously trying to get the alien inside it.

Paul pushes the button again and the light comes back on.

Pantsagral

I don’t pretend to know what’s happening here, I think it’s some kind of human thing, Yes? Getting a machine to offer me a greeting. ‘Give me four’ kind of thing? Thanks anyway. I do appreciate it.

Zoë looks at Paul as if to say ‘see me later’.

Paul looks sheepish.

The humans all climb off and make an embarrassed withdrawal.

Dice seals the jar with a lid, prints out a label reading ‘SPECIMEN 207-Unidentified venom.’ Sticks it on the jar and trundles away.

SCENE 11: INT. NIGHT ZOË'S BEDROOM

Zoë goes into her room and begins to undress. The walls of her room are hidden under every kind of chart, all covered with coloured squares and lines. There is a clipboard on the back of the door, which she ticks as she locks the door. She moves over to the wardrobe and opens the door. The Pantsagral skin, taped together and inflated 'jumps' out at her. She screams, kicks it between the legs and leaps back. The skin springs a leak and 'farts' around the room.

SCENE 12: INT. NIGHT OUTSIDE ZOË'S BEDROOM

Paul and Pantsagral are rolling around laughing loudly and congratulating each other.

SCENE 13: INT. LATE AT NIGHT PANTSAGRAL’S ROOM

Pantsagral is talking into his elbow.

Pantsagral

Have arrived safely. The humans are friendly and don’t seem much of a threat. I will report again when HE arrives. Message terminated.

SCENE 14: INT./EXT. DUSK AN OPENING IN THE PLASTIC WALL.

During credits: View of escaped lomlom sneaking out of an open door/window onto the planet.

- Copyright Steve Dean

Behind Closed Doors

Fade in:

Scene 1 (ext) Suburban street (Day)

A young girl is taping a lost kitten poster to a telephone pole. “Lost cat, tigger, reward if found. Address etc.”

The pole is outside a normal looking house. The curtains twitch as a couple, Keith and Danielle Allsop, approach. She is petite, with a black eye, he well built, she is pushing a baby buggy in which sits a child of about three. 

Keith

…Criticising all the time. You complain about my job, my mates, when I go out, when I come back. I’m sick of it.

Pause.

Danielle

Hello Melissa, No sign yet?

Melissa

No, not yet. Mum says cats often wander, but they come home eventually.

Danielle

Yes, they do, probably living with some old lady, having a holiday.

Melissa smiles uncertainly and heads home.

Pause.

Danielle

I only commented about you coming home because you were drunk. Again. And who where you drunk with? Those horrible so called drunken mates. And if you tried you could get a much better job, more money. We could afford a holiday abroad.

They fall silent as they pass the house. Once past they start up again. The curtains twitch again.

Keith

I like my job. If you wanted fancy foreign holidays you should have married somebody else.

Danielle

(Quietly) Perhaps I should.

Keith

You even look at another bloke and I’ll give you another eye to match that one.

Danielle

That says it all.

Keith

What’s that supposed to mean…

A people carrier drives by…

Several children get out and run up to the door of a house. They knock and shout through the letterbox.

Child One

Grandma! Granddad! We’re here.

Child Two

Let us in, we’ve got something for you!

Child Three

(Holding a bunch of flowers) She nicked them out of a garden.

Child one

Did not!

Margaret and Thomas Morgan, an elderly couple, answer the door, smiling broadly. The children pile in shouting and laughing.

Margaret

Hello you lot, come on in. Hang your coats up, and take your shoes off, that’s it.

Thomas

Wait until you see what we’ve got for you, in the kitchen.

Margaret

(Loudly) See you later! She waves

Their parents wave and drive away. The old woman glances at the house across the street as she closes the door.

A shadow moves behind the curtain.

Three or four boys of about eleven or twelve are walking along the street kicking a football up in the air.

Boy one

Then there’s this massive explosion and you think it’s dead but it’s not.

Boy two

Yes, but starts to move and the skeleton stands up and walks out of the fire.

Boy one

It’s not a skeleton, stupid, it’s the insides of the robot.

Boy two

Yes but it looks like a skeleton.

Boy one

Then it starts to chase after them again and they go inside this factory place and crush it to death with this big crushing thing.

Boy two

What about when he blows its legs off? That was cool.

Boy three

You can’t blow a robots legs off, they’re made of metal.

Boy one

Yes, but right, the man right, he makes his own bombs in the kitchen, and he’s from the future so he can make bombs that blow up metal.

One of the boys mis-kicks the football and it lands in a rambling cottage style garden. They look at the ball then at each other.

Boy one

That’s your fault. Now look where it’s gone.

Boy three

It’s not my fault, you were going on about some stupid film your big brother let you watch and made me kick it wrong. Anyway, you should have caught it.

Boy two

How can I catch it when you’re a crap kicker.

Boy one

Who’s going to fetch it then?

Boy two

I’m not going in there, she’s a witch, if she catches you she’ll lock you up under the stairs and turn you into a toad.

Boy three

I heard that lots of cat’s go missing around here. I bet she’s got them all locked up in cages and she eats them. I bet it stinks in there.

Boy four

(cautiously) I’ll get it, I’m not scared.

The boy slowly approaches the garden and carefully opens the gate. He picks the ball off the front garden and dashes out as an old woman opens the front door. She is dressed all in black and has black hair.

Edith Harris

Are you alright there?

Boy one

Run! The witch‘ll get you! The boys dash away down the street.

She smiles as the boys dash away.

Edith

No respect, youngsters these days, no respect at all. I blame the parents. Out all hours and leaving them to it. A bit different to my day. Still, I wouldn’t have minded a bit of freedom. I’ve always wanted to climb a tree.

She walks up the path and closes the gate the boys have left open.

A sleek black jaguar car pulls up and the window purrs open. Stewart Graph, past middle age, sits in the driver’s seat. He calls to Edith.

Stewart

Morning Mrs Harris, everything alright?

Edith

Yes thank you Stewart. Just a few youngsters after their football.

She leans down to look at the passenger.

Edith

Morning Vicky, How’s your leg?

Vicky Caplan, a young leggy busty blonde, smiles back.

Vicky

Much better now thanks.

Edith

Good. Best get back in then, Percy’ll worry.

Stewart

O.K Edith, see you later.

Vicky

Bye!

Stewart winds up the window and drives off, pulling into the pub car park just down the road.

Vicky

I thought she lived on her own?

Stewart

She does.

Vicky

So who’s Percy, Her live in lover?

Stewart

Lord knows, probably some imaginary friend, or the body of that postman that went missing.

Vicky

Don’t say that.

Stewart

Only joking. Come on, we’re wasting drinking time.

He jumps from the car and dashes around to the passenger side.

Stewart

(Opening the car door) Let me get that for you darling.

Vicky gets out.

Vicky

(Smiling) Thank you.

Stewart

My pleasure

Vicky

You don’t have to you know. I can open doors myself.

Stewart 

I know, but I like to look after you. Now, take my arm.

Vicky

I know what you’re doing. Flash car, young bird on your arm. You‘re just a show off.

Stewart

Rubbish, a man should be able to enjoy the fruits of his labour, especially when he’s getting on in years.

They enter the pub, nodding and smiling at a couple on the way out. A thirty something couple, Richard and Kate Simms, emerge from the pub and get into a nice car.

Richard

Well that wasn’t too bad. Food was alright, and it’s nice to talk to a few of the neighbours we don’t see very often.

Kate

Umm, ok for a change, but I wouldn’t like to make a habit of it, got a bit smoky in there.

Richard

Yes, I thought it was a no smoking area, but I didn’t like to say anything. You never know how people are going to take it.

Kate

No, specially in a pub. I thought the music was a bit loud, I was trying to talk to Kalvin, find out how his mum is.

Richard

Oh yes, how is she?

Kate

Well he says she’s ok but he still sounded worried.

The car stops in front of a normal house. The curtains twitch on the house next door. There seems to be a flash of light, like sun reflecting on glass, from behind the thick curtains.

Richard opens the boot and lifts some shopping out. A little blonde girl appears.

Richard

Hello Melissa, off school today?

Melissa

Yes, mum says it’s an insect day.

Richard

That’s nice. See you later crocodile. (Smiles)

Melissa

In a while, alligator. (Smiles)

Richard and Kate walk up the path to their front door.

Kate

Afternoon Ron.

The elderly neighbour on the other side looks around.

Ron

Hello dear, been doing a bit of shopping?

Kate

Hello Ron. Just a few presents and things. Coming around later for cuppa?

Ron

I will do yes.

She goes into the house with the bags.

Richard

(Nodding in the direction of Thomas and Margaret’s house) I see they’ve got the grand children around again. I don’t know how they do it, patience of saints.

Ron

I wouldn’t mind seeing mine a bit more often, but I don’t think I could cope with them all day. You can hear the noise from here.

Richard

Good luck to them, that’s what I say. It obviously makes them happy, never see them without a smile.

Ron

That’s true enough. Must cost them a packet though, all that food and treats and things, they always go home with something. 

Richard

(Nods and smiles) Anyway, how’s that lawn mower of yours.

Ron

Still can’t get the engine going, but everything turns over as it should.

Richard

I’ll nip round later, see if I can be of any help.

Ron

I’d appreciate it. Might be better up on the workbench, but I can’t get it off the floor. (Rubs his back to indicate why.

Richard

O.K, I’ll come around when we’ve got sorted inside. Just got a few chores to do.

Ron

Right oh.

Richard goes inside and the front door closes.

Scene 2 (int) Hall way of a suburban house (Night)

Keith Allsop comes home late one night, he’s been drinking. His wife Danielle has been watching out of a bedroom window for him.

Keith

Danielle! Danielle! Where are you? Get here, I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.

Danielle appears at the top of the stairs. Keith sees her and stomps up the stairs.

Danielle

Be quiet you big oaf, you’ll wake Megan up.

Keith

(Ignoring her) Get in there, go on.

Danielle

Keith, please. Don’t, not now.

Keith

Shut up whining, it’s your own fault, I’ve warned you but you won’t listen.

He points to the spare room door. Silently, Danielle turns and walks into the bedroom. Keith closes the door.

Scene 3 (int) Spare bedroom of a suburban house (Night)

There are a few boxes stacked in a corner and a folded up bed. There is a large faded rug in the centre of the room. Other than that the room is bare. Keith raises his fists and approaches Danielle.

Keith

This time you’re gonna get what’s been coming to you, this is long over due. Oh yes.

Danielle

Keith please, don’t. Think about Megan. You know she’s been unwell. She needs her sleep. If you wake her up I’ll never get her back to sleep.

Keith

Well, you should have thought of that before. Before you went running your mouth off. That’s your problem you see, too much gob, too much thinking about your self. Selfish, that’s what you are. Well I ‘m going to give you something else to think about.

Scene 4 (int/ext) Door step of a suburban house (Evening)

Thomas and Margaret Morgan stand in the doorway. The three grand children file passed, kissing and hugging each grandparent in turn.

Child one

Night Grandma, night Granddad.

Child two

Good night Grandma, Good night Granddad, thanks for the sweets.

Child three

Good night Grandma, Goodnight granddad, Good night John boy.

Thomas

Good night you lot. See you next time.

Margaret

Good night. Have you got everything?

Three children

(In chorus) Yes!

The children run off boisterously. Their grandparents smile and wave from the door step as the people carrier pulls away.

Margaret

(to departing vehicle) Drive Safely!

Thomas

Well, it’s nice to see them, but it’s still nice when they’ve gone. I’m sure glad we just had the one.

Margaret

You know you wouldn’t be without them. And I bet they’ve left something. We’ll get a phone call in about half an hour. “Have you got a yellow pokemon that looks like a duck?”

Thomas

(Laughs) No wonder kids are daft these days. Right, where were we?

Margaret

Are you sure you have the energy after all that running around?

Thomas

You’ll see how much energy I’ve got.

They smile at each other, then the door closes, slowly.

Scene 5 (int) The front room of an old cottage (Night)

Edith Harris is sitting in a battered arm chair before a coal fire.

Edith

Those children do make me laugh, daring each other to fetch their ball back. I’d invite them in for tea if I thought they’d come. Could do with a bit of company. I don’t suppose they would though not with what they say when they think I can’t hear. We had respect for our elders when I was a girl, talk nice, mind your ‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’. Still, I suppose it’s better I scare them than the other way around. It’s so different now days Percy. Everything. I can’t think of a single thing that’s around now that hasn’t changed. Look at this coal fire. Not real coal, no. It’s that light stuff. I wonder how they get it like that? Genetically modified I expect. It burns nice mind. Open this for me Percy, there’s a good lad.

She lifts a Brazil nut out of a small dish beside her and holds it up. It comes back down shelled.

Edith

Thanks Percy.

Percy

No problem.

Edith

Of course, your life has changed a bit as well, but I don’t suppose you’d remember that, being so young and all when you came over here. That reminds me, must get a birthday card for our Pat. Is it pension day tomorrow Percy?

Percy

That’s right.

Edith

I thought it was. That’s another thing that’s changed. Money. Not just the money of course, that’s changing all the time. Used to have huge metal coins with real silver in them. You could have lived for a week on a shilling then. And still had change. Now days people don’t even see their money, it’s straight in the bank and that direct debbie woman whips it straight out. When I was a girl there was never enough to go around. Perhaps they just print it faster these days. Well, I’d better be off then, get us something for tea. Chinese or Indian, or that captain bloke with his chicken? I’ll see how big the queue is. You stay here Percy, guard the family silver. (Laughs.)

Percy

No problem.

Scene 6 (int) A huge bedroom in a large house (night)

Stewart Graph is sitting on the edge of the bed. Vicky Caplan stands a few feet away. She is wearing sexy underwear under a sheer dressing gown.

Stewart

It’s all you ever think about, money. You’re obsessed with it. If you had a million you’d want two. If you had two you’d want four.

Vicky

It’s not just the money, it’s what money brings. The freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want to. To travel, eat in expensive restaurants, to buy expensive gifts for people. Or even just to wake up in the morning and say right, I’m not going to work today, I’m going shopping instead. The confidence to try something new, knowing you can buy your way out of it if it goes wrong. So, ok you can’t solve everything with cash, but you can solve most things. Which would you prefer, rich and miserable or poor and miserable?

Stewart

Alright, I take your point, but what about the spiritual things, what about personal development, growing as a person. The intangible things, things you can’t buy.

Vicky.

Well, they say travel broadens the mind, which makes you grow, and giving presents is good for the spirit, surely. And, peace of mind that being financially secure brings means peace of the body as well. (Smiles with satisfaction)

Stewart

I still think there’s more to life then striving for riches.

Vicky

I know, and there are a couple of other things in here. You know you want them and you know what you have to do to get them. Now stop stalling and answer the question, gold or diamonds?

Stewart

(Thinks for a moment)What about both?

Vicky

That’s cheating. But I’ll let you off this time.

Vicky peels off the dressing gown and drops it to the floor.

Scene 7 (int) The kitchen of a modern suburban house (night)

Richard and Kate Simms are sitting around a large kitchen table. Richard is ripping raffle tickets out of a book. Kate is rolling them up and putting them into straws.

Richard

I told him that would happen, but he didn’t listen. Now the poor guy’s out of a job and we’re one short in the dispatch department. I’ve talked to Gerry, but he thinks it’s too late.

Kate

Isn’t there anywhere else you can put him, away from that idiot manager?

Richard

It would be nice, with Christmas not far around the corner, but everywhere else is either full or unsuitable. I really feel for the poor bloke. None of it was his fault, right from the start. How many more of these do you want?

Kate

Might as well do the whole book. We’ll almost certainly need them for the Christmas fete, if we don’t use them all now. We’ve had quite a few donations so far.

Richard

(Smiling) And how many have you contributed?

Kate

I’ve only bought a few things, and I said I’d make some cakes. And I volunteered you as a driver, by the way.

Richard

Thanks!

Kate

I knew you’d be pleased.

Kate

We’d best hurry up with these , I said I’d take them round before eight. And I’ve got to pick up some jumble from somebody on Prize close.

Richard

I‘m supposed to be helping Ron with his lawnmower, he says he can’t get the engine started. Kate

(Smiling) Know a lot about engines do you?

Richard

Not really, but I can at least help him with the heavy lifting and stuff. He can’t manage a lot at his age, and with his back.

Scene 8 (int) The back bedroom of a modern suburban house (night)

Danielle and Keith are standing in the back bedroom faced off against each other. Danielle is wearing faded pyjamas. Danielle looks worried but isn’t backing off. Keith is angry, and has been drinking.

Danielle

Please Keith, don’t. Don’t do this. You’ll regret it in the morning, you always do.

Keith

Not this time. This time you’re going to regret it.

Danielle

Keith! Don’t!

Keith moves forward in a boxer’s stance. He throws a punch, straight towards her face. She quickly blocks it and dances out of the way. He tries to punch her again again, she blocks again.

Danielle

You’d better stop it Keith, stop now, you know what happened last time, and the time before. You must be really thick to not have learned your lesson.

Keith growls and rushes towards her again, this time she returns the punch, one in the stomach, a swift kick in the ribs followed by a foot sweep. Keith goes down, hitting the floor with a thud. He rolls around in pain.

Danielle

(Looking down at him, pointing vigorously) I told you, but you wouldn’t listen. Oh no, not Mr tough guy. Not so tough now though are you? One of these days I’m going to black your eyes. Both of them. Huge big purple shiners. How are you going to explain that at work, ay? Or down the pub with your big macho mates. Now be quiet you big lug, you’ll wake Megan.

Danielle walks out.

Keith

(Calling after her) That hurt, that did. That really hurt, I think you’ve broke something. Better call an ambulance, I think one of my ribs has gone. I could be bleeding inside. Danielle returns with a cold sponge. She rolls him over and opens his shirt. She presses the cold sponge against his ribs.

Keith

Careful, that’s tender that is. You’ve broken it, I’m sure you have.

Danielle

(Dabs the injury with the sponge) It’s not broke, I didn’t hit you that hard. Besides, it’s your own fault. I warned you, I warn you every time. But you never listen. If you do it again I’ll really break your ribs. Won’t feel like going to the pub with broken bones and black eyes will you? I’d knock some of your teeth out if we could afford the dentist. (No humour)

Keith

(Hesitantly smiles)I am trying, honest. I’m getting better though aren’t I? This is the first time in ages.

Danielle

(Softening) Yes, you’re getting better. If you’d just cut down on your drinking, keep you away from those mates of yours as well. And save a bit of money.

Keith

Don’t, not now.

Danielle

Ok, carry on then, I quite enjoy our little sessions, gives me such a buzz! Such a feeling of power!

Keith

(wide eyed) Really?

Danielle

Oh yes. (Pauses) No, not really you big lug. I’ll check on Megan, you pick your self up off the floor and get ready for bed.

Keith

Yes love. (Quietly, almost to himself) I’m going to learn some martial arts one of these days, when I get around to it.

Danielle kisses his forehead then stands and walks out, she shakes her head, a slight smile on her face. On the landing she stops just in time before walking into an open cupboard door, she rubs her black eye, shaking her head. .

Scene 9 (int) The back room of a modern suburban house (night)

Margaret and Thomas are in the back room of their house, furthest from the street. Margaret is sat at a computer. Thomas is fiddling with something.

Margaret

I think this thing needs some more memory you know, it’s getting a bit slow.

Thomas

The hard drive is a bit full though, Maybe it’s that.

Margaret

True. I’ve seen a nice 120 gig drive in that shop opposite ASDA. We could get some more memory as well as it’s so cheap at the moment.

Thomas

We might as well go the whole hog and upgrade the processor whilst we’re at it. It’ll take a 3 ghz.

Margaret

That’s practically a new pc, we might as well wait until the January sales and buy a new one. Splash out on a full system, if you like, this printer’s seen better days.

Thomas

Yes, good idea. We could get one with a dvd writer.

Margaret

You and your dvd’s. I can’t believe people are falling for the whole media hype. Dvd this and dvd that. If everyone buys dvd players what’s going to happen to video players, and then what are you going to play all your videos on?

Thomas

They’ll still make videos for years yet. You can still buy turntables, and when was the last time we bought vinyl?

Margaret

I’m not convinced, we’re at the mercy of market forces. Right, let’s have a look what’s on this site. It looked quite interesting when I skimmed through it. I found it the other day when I was looking for those Girls Aloud tickets.

Thomas

Yes, that was very sneaky of you, offering to take the grandkids to the concert because you want to go yourself. I can just imagine you in a concert hall full of teeny boppers.

Margaret

You said you wanted to go as well. Just because you fancy that Suzanne. Here we go, now then where is it, I know it’s here somewhere, I’m sure I saw it the other day. Are you ready with that thing?

Thomas

Almost. What are you looking for anyway, you’ve been up and down that screen a dozen times?

Margaret

You know, that one with that lovely Victoria in it. I went passed it once and now I can’t find it.

Thomas

You’re out of your mind.

Margaret

No, I’m sure I’ve seen it.

Thomas

No, that’s what it’s called. “You’re out of your mind.” Victoria Spice and Dane Bowers.

Margaret

That’s not her name, she was Posh Spice, still is I suppose. Her name was aadams, with two a’s. It’s Beckham now. Lovely couple. I wish she’d make some more records though, lovely voice.

Thomas

I’m not sure she’s suited to garage music though, she should do some nice pop ballads, like Kylie.

Margaret

Garage, Uh! That’s all a flash in the pan anyway. It’s just updated rap music with flash voice effects and a more up tempo beat. Ah! Here it is. Right, are you ready with the thing?

Thomas

Yep, all set. I’ve taken the feed from the mp3 player and patched it through the sound card and into the amplifier. Now we can get nice reproduction with decent bass and still have the flexibility with the adjustments in the sound card software. We could burn a few of these onto cd as well and have them on in the car.

Margaret

We could label them up as classical stuff, no one will touch them then.

Thomas

Good idea. I can’t wait until I get my hands on a writeable dvd, we can get days worth of tunes on just one disk.

Margaret

Shut up about your dvd’s. What we should do is download some of the old stuff, you know, the early house music stuff. We could get a quite a lot on one cd with decent compression.

Thomas and Margaret wait a few moments, then the song they’ve just down loaded begins to play via the MP3 player Thomas was fiddling with. Margaret turns up the music and they start to dance energetically.

Scene 10 (int) The front room of an old cottage (Night)

Edith is sitting in front of a large fire. She has a large mug of tea and a plate of biscuits.

Edith

Of course they don’t think of all the other things do they Percy? Look at our Janey, got those two plastic hips now. Weren’t even allowed hips when I was a girl, never mind plastic ones. And these women, going off on holiday and going in pubs on their own, there was none of that, ay Percy? Only one kind of woman went in a pub in my day. Got yourself a reputation, going in pubs. I think I would have liked a reputation, not all bad, as I remember. Especially looking back. In those days a lady never left the house without a hat, what a scandal that would have caused. All over a silly little piece of material and a few feathers. Not just hats of course, gloves as well. What a waste, all those people fretting their days away being correct and proper. All those years spent worrying about what the neighbours thought. What the neighbours would say. And now it all just seems like a load of bollocks.

She holds up a chocolate chip cookie and a large green parrot reaches down and takes it.

Percy

Thank you.

Edith

Now of course they’ve got this super highway. That’ll be good, the roads have never been very good around here. When I was a girl it took the best part of a day to get to London on the train. Well, that’s some thing that hasn’t changed then. Actually, when I was a girl trains hadn’t been invented, but you know what I mean. People are always going on about the good old days. I’m looking forward to the future. Imagine how different things will be in another fifty years. Three D tele, that’s what I’m looking forward to. And robots that bring you tea and biscuits, That’ll be nice. There’s a bit of a draught in here Percy, where’s that coming from?

Percy

Behind you!

She looks over her shoulder.

Edith

Silly me, I’ve left the door open.

Edith waves her hand in the air towards the door and the door gently closes.

Edith

Now, where have I left Comfy? Oh, there he is, under the chair. Comfy, come on do your stuff. She gestures with a half-eaten biscuit in her hand.

A tatty draught excluder in the shape of a dachsund lifts its head and looks around. Then slowly it animates and marches across to the door, stopping in place at the foot of the door.

Edith

That’s better, soon have the place snug and warm ready for Match of the Day. What do you say Percy?

Percy

Lovely!

Edith

Now, where’s my charm box, have to do something about Vicky’s leg. It’s getting better, but I could tell it wasn’t right. People are so funny with illness these day’s. When was young if you sneezed once it was straight to bed. Mind, they didn’t have aunty biotricks in them days.

She reaches over to the table beside her and pulls an old biscuit tin on to her lap. Inside are various woven, vaguely human shaped items. She sorts through them and picks one out.

Edith

Ahh, here we are. Now let’s see.

She begins to rub the doll, eyes slightly out of focus.

Scene 11 (int) The lounge of a large high income house (night)

Stewart is tied to a chair with silk scarves. Vicky stands in front of him, one hand on her dressing gown belt.

Vicky

Come on, stop stalling and answer the question. No answer, no nookie.

Stewart

I’m thinking, give me time. It’s not easy with you standing there dressed like that.

Vicky

If you don’t hurry I’ll start getting dressed again.

Stewart

Ok. Ok. Thirty percent. No wait Forty Percent?

Vicky

Umm, Forty percent? Close enough

She undoes her dressing gown and slips out of it. Underneath she is wearing a leather bra and pants and fishnet tights.

Vicky

Right, for the bra. Let’s see, yes I know, what percentage of businesses don’t have an internet presence? I’ll give you a 5 percent margin of error either way.

Stewart

Oh, I know this one, I read it in Business monthly a few days ago. Er, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh what was it?

Vicky

(Undoing the bra but not letting it fall.) Come on, you know you want to. No pressure but I’m getting cold.

Stewart

(With a sigh) I don’t know what you see in me. You could have any man you want. Yet you come into my life, turn my business around from virtual bankruptcy, turn me into one of the richest men I know and you’re still here. You’ve already got half the business, you’re probably richer than I am. Why do you stay?

Vicky

Because if I walk into a board room and suggest a way to take over our biggest rival for practically no risk and at a huge profit to ourselves, all the men in there would look straight at my tits and go deaf. You walk in there and suggest the same thing and people move, very quickly. Besides, you’ve got two or three major assets that keep me interested, Mr meat and two veg. Now, nice try, trying to change the subject, good business plan when things are going wrong. But answer the question, or don’t you want these?

Stewart

Yes, of course I do. What was the question again?

Vicky

No wonder you were going bust. Concentrate! What percentage of businesses do not have an internet presence?

Stewart

(Struggling in his bonds) I’ll be going bust in a minute, when I get out of these scarves.

Vicky

You won’t get out of those, I was a girl guide you know. It’s not just boy scouts who learn about knots.

Stewart

But what about the future? You’ve got your life in front of you, mine’s winding down. I’ve got most of the things I ever wanted, you’ve still got dreams to pursue.

Vicky walks over to the chair and hugs Stewart.

Vicky

Don’t worry about the future. This isn’t business, not me and you. Yes, we play these games, but in the end it comes down to us, having fun now. Let tomorrow look after it’s self.

She kisses him on the head, then steps back with a sigh.

Vicky

Now, answer the question.

Stewart

Are you sure you’re up to this with your leg?

Vicky

Oh yes, it’s much better now. Besides, I don’t intend being on my legs for much longer, if somebody hurries up and answers the bloody question.

Scene 12 (int) The attic of a suburban house (night)

Richard and Kate are in the attic. It’s quite bright and neat, with several carefully labelled cardboard boxes stacked floor to roof and several deep under the eaves.

Richard

We’re really going to have to sort out all this charity stuff one day. The ceiling’s going to collapse if we bring any more stuff up here.

Kate

I know. But if we just give it away as it is a lot of it will go to jumble, and it’s too good for that. Some of those things will fetch at least ten pounds in the right place. We’ll be lucky to get a pound at a jumble sale.

Richard

Yes, I know what you mean.

Kate opens a box and picks through the contents in desultory fashion.

Richard

(Smiles mischievously) Katie, shall we play with our new toy?

Kate

Did you get him today? You said you didn’t have time!

Richard

I thought I wouldn’t have, but I did, and then I thought I’d surprise you.

Kate

Aaah Richie! You’re so nice. Yes, hurry up I can’t wait to see him.

Richard opens a secret panel into a large cupboard. Inside are shelves of stuffed animals, mostly cats, but some dogs, a few birds and a large tortoise. These are all pets that have gone missing in the neighbourhood over the years. Richard pulls a ginger cat out of the cupboard. It is the cat we saw at the beginning on the lost and found poster.

Kate

Oh wow, he looks lovely, so cute. Look at his little bow! I think as it’s his first night here, he should choose what to play. What do you think he’d like to do?

Richard

Perhaps he’d like to dress up and play with Sasha?

Kate

Yeah! I bet he wants to be a footballer. (She reaches into a cardboard box and pulls out a small pair shorts.)

Richard

Good idea, Sasha will love that.

Kate grabs a white Persian cat dressed in a spangled boob tube and tu-tu. She hugs it and strokes it.

Kate

My name’s sasha, I’m from Persia, which is about five doors up on the left.

Richard

(Imitating a tom cat) Hello Sasha, my name’s Tigger and I play football.

Kate

(Imitating a female cat) Hello Tigger, did you say ball, I like that word.

Richard

I’m good at playing with my ball, I can keep it up for hours.

Kate

Oooh that’s good, because I like to watch men playing with their balls.

Richard

Would you like to watch my friend as well? He’s got a really big one.

Kate

Yes please, I love a man with a really big one.

Richard reaches into the cupboard and pulls out a Yorkshire terrier with a huge ball in its mouth.

Richard

(Imitating a Yorkshire terrier) Hello, my name’s fluffy. I like to be shampooed, go for long walks and have cheap, meaningless sex with people’s shins.

Kate

Wow, that’s one big ball you’ve got there. I hope the rest of you is in proportion.

Richard

Why don’t you put you head down there and have a look?

Kate

Wait a minute, there are two males and only one of me. I like a nice threesome, but I like to play with birds as well.

Richard pulls a tatty budgie out of the cupboard.

Richard

(Imitating a budgie) Hello, I’m Tweety, I’m very mature and I know all the tricks, you wouldn't believe where I’ve had my head.

Kate

Hello Tweety, I’m a cat and I want to gobble you.

Richard

(Yorkshire terrier) Oooh me first, me first.

Richard and Kate then begin to simulate sex between the stuffed animals, in various positions. The animals end up with their front legs against the attic wall, the male cat mounting the female from behind, and the Yorkshire terrier behind them. The budgie is nowhere to be seen. The camera pulls back and Richard and Kate are in the same position, naked except for the genuine cat collars they are wearing. There are budgie feathers sticking out of Richard’s buttocks.

Scene 13 (int) The attic of a suburban house (night)

The camera carries on through the wall to reveal the attic of the house with the twitching curtains. The neighbour is sitting with his back to the wall Richard and Kate are having sex against. He is filling in a note book with the days events in it. There are a small pair of binoculars around his neck, and a larger pair on the table. A television sits on a rack above hundreds of video tapes. The screen shows Margaret and Thomas waving to their grand children. The camera moves to the tapes and focuses on the early ones, which go back seventeen years.

Scene 14 (ext) A row of suburban shops (day)

Kate is walking towards the shops, she stops to talk to Thomas and Margaret, who are carrying loaded carrier bags. Danielle Allsop is just walking away in the background.

Kate

Hello, Tom, Margaret. You alright?

Margaret

Yes thanks.

Thomas

Lovely thanks, and you?

Kate

Yes, I’m alright. (Moves closer and lowers her voice) Did you see Danielle? Huge black eye. Said she’d done it on a cupboard door but, well, it’s not very likely is it?

Margaret

I know what you mean. Did you see him the other night, coming home drunk again? Then there was lots of shouting and it suddenly went quiet. It’s almost every night now, I don’t know where they get the money.

Thomas

Funny though, I saw them this morning and they were all over each other, almost obscene.

Kate

I don’t know what she sees in him, I wouldn’t let a man knock me around, not more than once at least.

Margaret

(Smiling) Me neither. I think I’m safe with him though, he’s too old to be dangerous.

Thomas

Charming! Just wait ‘til I get you home!

Margaret

(Laughing) Promises, promises!

Melissa walks by, looking sad.

Kate

Still not come home then?

Melissa

(Shakes her head)

Margaret

Never mind, he’ll be back soon, I’m sure.

Thomas

Yes, he can’t have gone far.

Kate

(To Margaret and Thomas) Poor thing, it’s such a shame…

Fade to credits


- Copyright Steve Dean